Izenbet's intrests

3 dreams

2011-12-04T13:54:00.002-05:00

i write on this nearly forgotten blog to report 3 dreams in the course of about a week.

1. i dreamed the church the gathering was taking a picture outside of the Vault and they were dressed all in white. the men in choir/baptismal robes. and the women all in wedding dresses.

2. the second dream was of hanging out with a man who i like and involved a pair of red sports shorts. the dream included another male friend who gave me advice on the other man by relating to the situation if he had been the man.

3. i was in a prison or school of some sort and women and men were going in and out of doors in the hall way whispering to each other and always shutting the doors behind them. i didn't know any of them. also i was in the rest room twice in the dream, but didn't use the sinks or toilets, it was like i just was confused of where i was supposed to be since the doors were being shut and i was tired of being in the hallways.

any interpertation of any of the dreams would be greatly appreciated.

paix! <>qu'est ce que c'est?

no blog since APRIL!?!??!

2011-10-01T13:01:00.003-05:00

the times they were a changing.

2011, Octobre, premier.

i have a slight curiosity as i gaze into the bleak grey day. so far, well, there in lies the tale.

if i do total recall to what's happened in 6ish months, i would be amazed by higher power's protection and grace, and a lil ashamed that i was so foolish to lapse into desperate hope for acceptance from toxic people.

if you know me, i hope blessings emerged from my mouth and not curses.
i pray that you saw my smile and knew it was genuine.

love

bibles outline this as the greatest commandment. LOVE the LORD your god. Love your neighbor as yourself.

my whole life i think the main struggle i've had was "how can i love my neighbor if i don't love myself?"

back to the toxic users. it is clear they don't love themselves, but instead of seeking answers, they tend to try to fill their voids with adultery, things, money, and using people.

i think my problem was different. i was so desperate to find how to love and forgive myself, i gave.

isn't that what christianity preaches? "god loves a cheerful giver, give him all you got!"

so it makes sense if i give in the name of the LORD til i have nothing, as long as i do it cheerfully, and can battle against nasty depression and worthless feelings, i 'm "perfect"?

ha.

what a nasty word at times. i might be "fucking perfect" to pink or if i read Paul, the old is gone new has come, therefore be perfect and blameless. there is still the wrestling with love.

i think i shared some of my brushes with charismatic prophetic crowds. and the prophecy over me and the love and prayers of brethren have mended some of the belief that love is unattainable when i'm not god. we as christians have all fallen. we are called not to judge but to be friends and uplift those who are repentent and broken.

if i haven't really shared the prophecies, they have all been positive.
one was that i'm a "prophetess", sharing boldly the word of the lord, the other is more of a daily practice of loving those who have also been broken hearted, and praying to abba for their healing.
it brings me joy to have purpose.
and as far as i know some prophetic/dream interperting teams will be setting up "camp" weekends on essex st in salem.
healers coming as far away a the UK and prophetic/dreamers from all around as far as i know will be available for words of encouragement and life.

Ok i didn't cover the last 6 months, but i learned. and i'm hanging with good girlfriends and guy friends. and if you catch yourself judging or beating yourself up, remember , LOVE cast out fear, and covers a multitude of sins.

be blessed.

PAIX

home-ish

2011-04-27T19:01:00.003-05:00

i sit.
listening to the bruins.
on my left smokes my lil sis CR.
to her left, king, and her let, queen.

the kingdom is tuned to the bruins,
who lead 2-1
earlier, waltzing around the willows
a mandatory trip, that included chinese food.

my tattoo is healing.
i'm happy with it
i have a permanent mark
to remember my 30's ( and my nickname)

pugsley & spazzick
sit puggly in the window
barking @ motorcycles
and the occassional keno player

life is what it is
i don't go around pasting smiles
but life is laughable
and that grace, undeniable

april 23

2011-04-23T12:42:00.003-05:00

with my family.

so drowsy.

life is good.

and i should,

forget the faet that i want my flirtations to call me!

my tattoo,

is not near a shoe,

joyce is tickled

by the thought

of me working

at pioneer house.

what she don't know

that my boy CJ

admires my renaming,

the house of parinoia

two trailor park girls

go round the outside,

one tells the other

to date a guy

the duke is making

me want to be puking

and all the joy i've been getting

is from my peeps the wiccans

the christians have been "holy"

and i shall be singing

the praises of a risen Lord

for years of conquered hearts minds and souls

PAIX

i sleep between the Wiccans

2011-04-21T06:59:00.001-05:00

i sleep betwix the wiccans

for twighlight is drawing near

i sleep between the wiccans

for there i have no fear

i sleep between the wiccans

to escape two trailer park girls

i sleep betwix the wiccans

so i won't get sucker punched

i sleep between the wiccans

for my weary body to be held

i sleep between the wiccans

for my soul is still a light

i sleep between the wiccans

cause i know no other way

i sleep between the wiccans

for salvation is today

PAIX!

3rd tat @ 30

2011-04-19T18:17:00.003-05:00

if you know me.
you know i identify with "paix".

it is french for peace...and beyond understanding
god has granted me just that

just for fun GOd added joy.

but i always refer to "paix de crist"

hope

2011-04-18T16:39:00.002-05:00

as hope wains for the bruins, hope springs anew for the broken.

my hope is built on NOTHING less than Jesu crist's righteousness.
it is not my righteousness, for i have none. i'm broke& poor, broken, a cracked clay pot.

but

in the jars of broken vessels made of clay. i'm useful.

my heart laughs with GOd.

my smile exudes my joy.

my mind is clear, and let me lend my ear, to the sweet sweet saintly voices of giggling children, jolly adults, singing women, and peaceful sighs.

in times of trouble, he is the bridge.

in times of darkness, he is the light

in times of despair, he is my hope.

and when he calls, here i am.

PAIX!

prophetic palm sunday pub crawl dream?

2011-04-17T20:20:00.002-05:00

so, being involved with friends that remember the 90's as adults and not teenagers, i'm frequently invited to remember things like clubs/bars that existed before i could legally drink. Bleachers.
there was an annual memorial pub crawl on saturday the 16th of april that celebrated the family of "bleacher creatures". yes, i needed to go, it was but a year ago that becky showed me the wonders of jello shots and i had my first one!
this year was different. almost better, and if these things get better year by year by the time i'm 40 it will be too spectacular.

so, what does prophetic palm pub crawl dream have to do with anything?

let's just share the dream:

in the dream i was in a two level club/bar where people downstairs were dancing to music. a tall new friend of mine was there. he was about 6'4, and there were models dancing with us. but they were all 5'4 to 5'6.at one point in the dream me and my friend and some models went upstairs.there, the friend started making out and having sex with a japanese model in a blue and white dress. he indicated that he wanted me next, i asked him to use condoms, he said he never used condoms. so i went back downstairs and danced. at the end of the dream i saw him again but we didn't talk.

bleachers was a two floor club.

the game

2011-03-24T20:28:00.002-05:00

bruins 2 beers, one burger, 7-0 bruins. see why i wanted to go to the garden to see the b's?

an odd tuesday

2011-03-22T19:41:00.002-05:00

as i tune in to the bruins tonight it strikes me that this tuesday has been unseasonably positive. the current score of the game is 2-1 bruins at the end of the 2nd. but another odd thing is i'm not playing trivia tonight. yes i miss it, but if i showed up tonight i would be a lone player in the midst of teams which would kick my ass answerwise and any hope of suceeding without my awesome team mates would be futile.
so, not that i'm a quitter, but i will not show up when the odds are unsurmountable.
also on tv tonight the tittlating ncis and a repeat of glee. both make me happy :-)
too much tv? maybe, but this follows an afternoon movie with roblen. shutter island is such a good movie, no wonder folks rave about martin scorcese. i was very hesitant to watch it, but the other choices were the orphanage or the tooth fairy. neither were my cup of tea. but shutter island moves up my list for acurately depicting mental illness and the struggle for answers.
more hockey happiness...
more peace in my soul...
more joy in my heart...
more jesus

more thoughts

2011-03-21T14:07:00.002-05:00

so. today in a lull in the bustling cafeteria, i thought of more stuff.
i need to call my friend in Bridge church northshore. i need to find a better church with less alienation which i caused my self, but i do feel that it was provoked by certain members, both old and new, at the gathering. the last sunday @ the vault felt just as poisoness for me as it had for the 2 years i feel i lost favor, respect and trust. but it felt more magnified than i felt it before.
i've been church shopping, the first weeks i attended a baptist church and was trying to tag along with Tom newman and mary deane for new experiences. that didn't last long.
i also saw 6 baptisms @ grace community church in marblehead.
i miss my charasmatio brethren.
i miss "hearing" or feeling the presence of Abba.
i miss the people who have forgiven me for the bashing blog which i somewhat meant but shouldn't have said.
i miss you.

paix

today is the first day in the rest of your life!

2011-03-05T19:27:00.003-05:00

as i sit here, in the living room of apt 2 in salem, ma. i ponder what a silly creature i can be. the bruins are on an i'm here with cheese, thinking of whether or not i want wine(that has been so graciously passed to me by Joyce), and i'm content. i will try not to compare myself to friends because it's superfulous. i have my story, they have theirs. but ain't it cool when they entertwine?
i am agreeing with a friend more and more that online dating is for the birds. i really think that i almost am trying too hard to find someone and not sitting back and appearing disinterested. isn't that how it works? when one is not interested mr(or miss) right wanders into one's life?
(chara is the man)

so, being a silly creature, almost in love with hockey completely, and also being 30 and not happy with the idea of being "content" being single for life and relying on friendships to guide me through bouts of loneliness or flat out wanting human touch(in that way). i wonder if i should make any more effort? maybe working, socializing, and hockey can carry me through til the next jerk(or possibly gentleman) takes me out to a live show or cafe?

i won't hold my breath, but i'll try almost anything at least once.

Change

2011-03-02T11:59:00.002-05:00

the only constant in my life is change.
i know in my faith there's the thought that God is constant. and in a way he is, but he enables/causes change. nothing in my life stays the same for more than 5 years...tho i could argue that in my life my mind and general looks are constant, things around me, the general atmosphere i exist in, doesn't stay the same.
i shouldn't be too upset, but i kinda am aching emotionally for a friend that has had a really rough time in the past 5 years. i've known her for 3 of those years, and i don't know what to say to much of her life. Although i am a listener/chatter i don't always, fact rarely, feel i have the right words for comforting her's and mine mind.
facts are facts, sometimes there are no right words, just 2 ears for listening.

change being that i feel i'm going to lose a group of friends once this instigator/ leader takes off. which leads into the process of developing new friendships, and having hope, that friendship will not be lost, with this change.,

reality shows.

2011-02-23T20:31:00.002-05:00

i admit.

i am a semi-reality show snob.

(i was going to say whore, but snob fits too)

tonight, i am indulging myself with top chef. i have flirted with top chef seasons and am pumped to see the top chef all stars, chefs from all season, competing for the coveted title of top chef( plus a lot of money, and maybe a car or 2).

other guilty pleasures?

how bout stay in the same genre, Hells Kitchen & Kitchen Nightmares.
Gordon Ramsey made a killa decision to go from football(soccer) to kitchen to reality shows. the latest winner of Hells kitchen, won my heart with her attitude and palate, but i am ashamed to admitt i cannot remember her name. i think it's some sort of "ora"...

i used to be a biggest loser fan. i really tuned in when one of my Dr.'s sons was on it. Neil Tejwani changed his life and lifestyle thanks to Bob & co on Biggest Loser.
once, after the show ended, i saw neil in a mall in Salem, he looked great. and from what i can gather he & his girlfriend( or wife at this point) are very happy and a lot healthier.

now...my guiltiest pleasure is the real world/road rules shtuff. it basically is just beautiful people hooking up, and every now and then they throw in a transgendered.

sigh.

silly me.

back to top chef, and maybe some americas next top model ;-p

gah, here again

2011-02-21T15:56:00.002-05:00

listening to Lenka, on pandora radio.

if i stare down this blog long enough some words will magically appear and i will be able to post a blog post which creatively appeared due to the tappity tap of some poorly painted nails, 3 of which have been clipped today to prepare for the time which they will press on Viola's strings. when the nails press on the strings the other hand automatically draws a bow across them.
Currently, for music, i am experimenting with bluegrass. Laura will appear in Mhd tomorrow and we will attempt "angel band" and "golden wings".
but my music never just settles for stellar "o brother where art thou?" music.
Creativity points me to hymns, which meld into fiddling joyfully and actually singing my heart's song to Iesu.

so, there it is, a minorly red wine influenced blog on my musical expirementations on the third floor of Steadmanse.

paix

apology

2011-02-20T15:26:00.002-05:00

I cant undo what i did.
i wrote an emotionally charged blog, which expressed negativity i haboured toward a local pastor named phil wyman.
i relize now that it was wrong to slander a clergyman, despite my miffed and very hurt feelings.
i apologize to those who didn't understand why i went so extreme, i was hurt, but i had no right to express my hurt to the world in abusive language.

i know the next step is to apologize to Phil in person, but i'm not there yet.

i will seek the Lord in bringing me to such a repentive state that i'm able to not be angry or despise what the Gathering has become. i also ask for all of your prayers to humble my angry tounge, and seek the forgiveness of someone i find hard to respect.

paix

yep

2011-02-19T18:37:00.003-05:00

sometimes i come to blogging, not with an axe to grind, but with honestly not a clue what to write.
first thought that comes to mind is i'm cold.
it has been exceedingly windy and cold which is a nasty turn from the beauty of yesterday.
Daisy the cat above all other humphrey st cats is curled on my blanket.
she musta had a hard day of finding all the quiet sunny spots in chez steadmanse, i wager she didn't find any mice or other critters today.
speaking of other critters i saw a spider out the window of the front room, it was between the storm and the glass, it looked hungery.
today was cool, i got to have delicious indian food with a Beth Pollock. Beth and i have a foundation for building a truly respectable, possibly silly, friendship.
afterwards joyce & i went to see the SSU vikings, dominate the Westifield St hockey team.
long game, esspecially when one is there an hour early.
roll around to 5 pm and i'm @ Steadmanse, chillaxing and immediately upon walking in the door Jiyeun offers me Korean food! YUM.
filled with noddles and red potato, i reach for my macbook, and fool around on fb, then write jibba jabba here,
what worse is you just read it.
one more thing, i'm going to the VFW tonight to do kareoke with friends i miss, and people who are little more than acquaintances, life is good!

wake

2011-02-16T07:26:00.002-05:00

I woke today,
an hour later than the tueday.
i let myself,
be
gentle.

Whispering words of life
to
bless
the day ahead

striped stockings, purple chucks
brown dress
gray sweater.
glasses
tie dye bandana

my battle won
grace prevails

love endures

paix

a flirtaciousflauntingalloup ...story o ...well

2011-02-14T18:21:00.002-05:00

it 's often good to start a story in Gensis, with element brewing to create a steamy possibly miraculous conception.
Elements. Spirt. and... a enigma of paradox.

NO.

i won't start that way... lets just start what i started in kingdom...a land and belief, ancient & present.

Prince Clyde was being the beststest hommmie to foolish ewon. After exploring the lib tree mall, they decide to continue chillaxin. & so, they went to the "eperate" leases @ 403 Esssex. 01970.As the jester joked with hair dye to create a bluish blac potentially perfect mowhawk.. the creature beast, Suzann'cycopath, started to medle...

Clyde enjoyed Mac& Cheese till the Jester sensing unrest and disrespect from the zangatdragon, confronted her and asked for respect. the battle began.

Clyde as my witness the foolish e! stood as a warrior would.

after clyde left...lizzybee: stunned, tried breathing. collecting her "battle worthy" 'elf she called 911.

cop came.

witnessed abuse.

Jesta went to King & Queeens!

demand les chouinards...et clyde...

matters reveiled that yes, abuse had occured.

to affirm pride and self worth a fool is not happy wit gold, but fun.

meetin respectable gmailers is a key stratagem....

i played up til 5pm, heading wrecklessly and playfully to Steadmanase.

Queen Anne...concerned. did not respect tjhe sojounr jorney norgey fool and demanded stuff.

all silly lizzzy iz thinking is POOP: the great equalizer.

love toujours. le SEULMENT silly steady izenbelle.

ps. jesse is...um... he ..better. ? call me???

izen redemption

2011-02-10T21:06:00.003-05:00

i've taken a lot of abuse in my life. and i had to stand up to a two year abuser tonight.

she thretend to hit me, i said"go ahead" and she left.

if anyone knows me, i dislike for things to get to this point. but it did. she is back in the apartment and in her room, talking "her side" to someone. i don't give a shit.

what's important is i challenged a fucking cunt, and started to win...

hello loved ones!

2011-02-10T03:01:00.002-05:00

dear brethren (all inclusive)

i wanted to assure alllll my loved ones that i am well and recovered and actually blessed by whistle blowing. i need to post a prayer request for Sparrow. she is being abused by my sociopath roommate. pray that the whistle blows for her too. there is NO excuse for someone to manipulate or force their will upon another.

business aside, i know the shock i caused my loved ones by coming forward, but by the grace of Crist i'm better knowing that i'm NOT a "dog returning to vomit".

like i've posted i've had a string of wonderful days, love covers a multitude of sins.

if i have to end this post i'd like to encourage everyone to bone up and read ecclesiactes.

paix

poem 2/6/2-11

2011-02-07T20:10:00.003-05:00

When i say "I surrender who i am"

i just want to scram

from the horror of my sins and yet

i can't cash in

All the futility and morose grieving

doesn't bring me to Eden

It scratches scales and leaves me bleeding

from unquenchable tears of frustration

In the hopeful proclamation,

that "life is good" for the takin

Joy and strength breakforth

and silence the anxiety with in

For better, for worse, in pain and shame

contrast the light that blinds and scratches
the slime of shame

from tridents touch to suckers punch and back

to Saving Grace

ecs

oblivious and plesantly distracted

2011-01-20T15:24:00.003-05:00

Ok, i have no idea when the last time i wrote was, i hope it to be in the past 3 months.
i have just read an update to a blog written by gentry13, which got me thinking of how little i tend to pay attention to those i love.the people that get my attention are not always the ones who need it, or even want it. i sometimes imagine my bff Joyce breathing a sigh of relief when i don't call her 2 or 3 times a day and let her focus on work,and her other friends going through a lot more than me at the moment. lately i have been able to bond with the "royalty" in my own apt. complex. it was their compassionate ears that comforted me when on a rainy tuesday afternoon the bus coming out of Danver's square heading towards Salem depot flew by me even though i stood clearly at the bus stop. thankfully i have a dad who drove all the way from Marblehead to get me to Salem so i didn't have to wait in the rain or the Mc donalds for the 330 bus.
backtracking just a bit to MLK day, one which i had the day off from being lunch lady, i enjoyed sometime with Renee and George and Joyce at Jordans furniture. being uplifted from that, later in the evening i had a new friend named laura come over and we practiced some bluegrass/gospel songs, unfortunately my fiddle was locked in the Vault, so i recounted some basic guitar chords and tried playing a couple tunes while laura rocked the mando and sang. the funny thing about the book we were playing from and the tunes she picked out was that i recognized them from O brother where art thou? if you want to hear me and laura rock them out with a bunch of other jamming bluegrass enthusiasts, we will be at Gulu gulu cafe on the second saturday of february and every month hence, from 2pm-5pm.
so life is going aight.
but what i read on gentry's blog made me wonder, "with all this fun i'm having with friends and neighbors, am i neglecting to pay attention to church family?"

October

2010-10-18T18:22:00.002-05:00

I don't believe i've made the time to blog about what has become one of my most favorite months and why i believe i have been called to Salem.
i also don't know how much of my testimony will be woven through the gentle taptap of my keyboard, nor do i claim to make much sense at the moment. For i am weary, but my bed time isn't til 10pm. if i was a logical thinker i might've breezed through my past blogs to save myself repeating myself.
Enough stalling! OCTOBER.
5 or 6 years ago when i lost faith in foursquare in lynn, i stumbled into a cave like corner of a frequented mall. In the cave room for a 6pm service i came across an evening service with the other liz(whom is now in KY). what drew me close was not only a welcoming to a Gathering that had been there since i graduated high school, but a genuine, comprehensible,loving group of believers that were including, real, and work-with-able. i might have alluded to Diane, Phil, Jeff, & Bev in previous posts but in this post they get another nod for those founding pioneers from California have actually helped me grow, mature, and be encouraged by patients, prayer & petition. the family-like acceptance and joy and i dare say healing that exudes from the Vault has made me feel -speechless.
this october i will be joining the ranks of the Gathering again and ministering to the masses @ halloween. there is a peace and expectation upon this season. and i'd love to brag about the sucessful ministry that has grown out of a maybe 10 member gathering to one that includes about 50+! God is love, let us love one another.

Gathering Service 8/15/10

2010-08-15T09:36:00.002-05:00

Here i am again.
At the Vault @ 217 Essex St, Salem.
Jeff Gentry is sharing his love for Jesus and encouraging us to take delight daily in God's deliverance, mercy and redemption of us through Crist.
"the Lord has made us righteous...and is giving us the desire to persevere to the end!"

The Lord lights our lamp, he lights our darkness

the Lord's kindness,gentleness ...has made us great.

the Lord's gentleness has made us great!

the Lord is our hope.

Psalm 18 reflection, Jeff Gentry.

David calls out in distress whilst Saul is trying to kill him.

God shows up.

psalm written before sin?

no, he wrote it after sins, after absslom.

prayer & hope for righteoussness, not wickedly depart, compared with saul, not neglected god...

I shared my 2 psalms 23 &119

mary shared psalm 42 "I cry aloud to the Lord..."

the Lord is our refuge!

mary had no one before heading off to college. not a drunkard any longer and former beater of christian teens.

righteous community experience.

stef shared psalm 139

why did you knit me that way?

no children...

rebeling against God. Christian in college, higher purpose.

not escaping presence of the Lord whilst wrestling.

Glen shared Psalm1

directions for life

Joann Psalm 103

going through blood problems...prayer, God healed her and sustained her.

The psalms are prayer for God.

Corprate prayer.

Amen

PAIX!

back in the blogosphere...

2010-08-10T06:24:00.003-05:00

it was a dark, manic type of night for our heroine.

after stablizing in a unit for 4 nights home seemed to be an alternate universe to the visions/anger/ unceasing energy that coursed through her nerons.

but as hearld by a popular t shirt company, life is good.

She settled in with Fnx music and a bible verse scan, reorganized her filing system, and drifted to sleep about 10pm.

AWAke @ midnight. Rain pulsed down upon the sidewalks of Salem and she could only feel joy towards night rain because her guerilla gardening was being quenched.

Earlier that monday she had discussed tending a Vault greenhouse with Monk Geoff.
The gathering does need to profit from its skills. As declared in prayer, this is the years of Harvest!

Please pray that my mind remains focused as i drive toward RI & cape in search of being accepted into a Certified Peer Specialist course.

any more info on anything in this blog refer to transformation center, The gathering, and Jesus!

be blessed,

PAIX ><>

make new friends, but keep the old!

2010-08-03T19:54:00.003-05:00

Make new friends
But keep the OLD
One is Silver but the others Gold

Soulfest

if your the praying type, lift up the broken hearts that will be healed this weekend.

I sit here in the Vault experiencing serene, spirtually charged music with a Iesu CRIST agape in every off beat.

Elijah is a mirical in the making.
He is completely consumed in a Holy fire which dances upon guitar strings and anoits mando & banjo.

Vla has often expressed interest in forming an alliance with such band due to the kidney incident.

tThat? o, you'll have to ask the eli wyman personally, he'll be @ Soulfest

SO will i in that matter. August 4-8 in Gilford NH. Gunstock mtn will have an annoiting.

Be Blessed.

PAIX

I like MacDo's wifi better than bar flies....

2010-08-02T05:33:00.002-05:00

So this morning i was up again for the 5th night in a row @ 3 am.
i took a walk and used the wifi @ the Vault. then i took a drive to the ocean and enjoyed a gentle sprinkling of rain.
i remembered my GF Becky L. Matthais saying i was welcome anytime to her place in Danvers and i drove over. i txt her to let her know i was there, but Frank is in hospice state and her mom is working through her denial stage. Becky is strong, healthy, compassionate, and a loving mother of Dylan,an active elementary schooler who lives for wrestling. He is strong willed like his mother and both of them are great examples of hospitable friends.
At Becky's i took liberty of using her pool for a pre breakfast relaxing swim, and i worked on a slideshow thing with my macbook.
finally @ 630 am i drove to the Mac donalds on High Street, Danvers.

i'm serene and enjoing my bacon egg & cheese mcgriddle and an unsweetend ice tea with lemon.

it even came with a coupon for a FREE smoothie or frappe! that's worth spending my dollar on ;-)

PAIX& ADONAI

at the FRONT of my mind

2010-07-30T10:45:00.003-05:00

SO. the date is july 30th, i sit enjoying a wonderful salad courtsey of Front St Coffee house.
on a side note, sometimes things outside of marblehead freaked me out, but considering what the Creator has sustained me through through out ministry which technically began @ age 14 @ camp chilaven in east douglas MA. I am and always will be far from perfect but i believe strongly through all my learning experiances God is fufiling his promises here in Salem.
my only evidence consists of a 15 year journey into ministering to the broken hearted.

the first thing i want to say is about camp. i was not properly medicated @ camp and might have done just as much damage as good, but my heart tells me that the friendships i sustained from that camp for 13 years past the fact is a victory. i still love Jeremiah, Ariel, Lillie and all their spouses, but considering it has been a decade since we flirted and shared Jesus with inner city children, i consider it also wonderful that i can facebook message Sue and pray for the encounters 15 years ago.

College was a bit of a flop for me. I finished 2 years at Gordon College and relized i wasn't meant to study, i was meant to do!so, i did. I loved playing ultimate frisbee and building relationships with roomates like Nanx, Esther, Cathy, Carissa E, and so many more.my illness tried to claim victory, but the Holy Spirit fought valliantly, and Joy wavered in and out of my life.

2004, i'm a CNA/CHHA , i started attending my friend Kristen Erikson's new ministry local in Lynn, MA. One Voice was a brazillian based foursquare church. i remember specifically going one winter to NH to a camp to have a retreat with Eliana & Jon Runyan. We drove by Streams Ministires on the way to the camp and my curiosity peaked when Eliana mentioned the prophetic ministry being taught.

2005 i finally get to the city i belong in, the city of peace, witch city Salem, MA!
the reason and the logic is unfathomable how i got here and how daily miricles gave me joy. i started attending the Gathering with Liz Casler. She never came back, but 5 almost 6 years later i don't regret meeting the community and gathering of believers that have introduced me to Streamers, John Paul Jackson, Phil Wyman, and a countless others who have affirmed my hearts desire of a ministry to the broken hearted. Jesus is so alive and well, the atmostphere has changed since i was a child afraid to drive through salem because i felt evil present. But there is such joy in my heart that i am a minstrel, an artist, and beautiful and useful in the sight of my King.

it was free! so..

2010-06-30T09:43:00.002-05:00

i can think of very few free things that i don't like. free chocolate is always good, free tea, free raspberries from my moms garden makes me very happy. i'm sure there are "free" things out there somewhere that are not as cool as the afore mentioned. i dislike on the internet that one will click on something for "free" but there will be a million little catches and in the end you're out 30 bucks.
i'm not too worried about the biggest free thing in my life, my freedom in Christ. as has been lectured from many a pulpit and shared with many a friend and stranger, my redeemer has ransomed his love at the highest cost to give away at a price anyone can afford. His love, which cost death and resurection, is free.
i love him because he taught me to love by loving me despite my anger and bitterness. i can never escape his grace and forgivness. such a wonderful thought on the last day of June heading into a summer full of potential, promise and prayer.
i am blessed. be blessed!

Thunder

2010-06-05T08:24:00.002-05:00

If you want to be aware of something about this blog, be aware of this. I am a random, eclectic person who feels no need to constrain herself upon a blog which by definition is made as a public journal. So if i rant and make nonsensical statements, it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to!

so what's special about today? maybe it was the thunderstorms that shook me awake last night @ 3 am. i did get motivated @ 7:30 after grasping another 2 hours of sleep to make a smoothie, do my beth moore hw, and walk down to coven where i am now enjoying tea and wifi on what otherwise should have been a sleepy saturday. If you've never been to Coven i highly recomend it. i'm sitting on a black couch which faces a wall and my macbook & tea are atop a pirates chest. Actually i had a cupcake here last sunday with Matt Goth and Pastor Phil. It was after a lovely church services @ the Gathering. To my right in a bookshelf with a my little pony on top and the rest of the shelves have games such as trivial pursuit, clue, masterpiece, mouse trap, life, ect...the bottom shelves have books.

i like this place because it's a deli, bakery and has goats milk as well as natural sodas. the tea is excellent.

Tonight there is a worship evening @ the bridge church of beverly @ 7pm. i look forward to encountering the Lord with a broken and contrite heart and leaving with joy and renewal of the Spirit.

PAIX

not so subtle joy

2010-06-03T07:51:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been feeling a sense of contentment.I'm not too high or low, I'm just about able to find a little joy in life when the little things make me smile.
Such as I've got about 20 minutes more to sit here in Front St. sipping herbal tea and prepping my mind for the rest of the day. my "Life is Good" mug has pretty much address my view on life at the moment. i was on fb earlier and i saw an add for blues dancing. Since i've danced swing since '99 a new style sounds fun, and of all days it's on thursday! perfect preweekend activity.

anyway, life has been good on and off the dance floor. i lost 7 lbs in the past week and am determined to keep up the good work.

on another note since i've started the process of turning from my sin and seeking God in worship through both fellowship and private composing of viola music with Vla, i feel God in my spirit as tho after a couple month absence the Holy spirit has once again started cleaning the cobwebs.

Grace is an amazing thing, i pray that i can extended it more often in the relationships and casual encounters every day.

I love because He first loved me.

be blessed!

February 11th 2010

2010-02-11T07:48:00.002-05:00

i'm tired, even though i went to bed last night at like 8:30, woke @ 6:30.
but i do have mostly decaf coffee and jazzy music in front st coffee hse to wake me.
too bad no snow day today, but thanks be that there's a vacation starting the 13 - the 20th for me. happy days :-)
i'm looking forward to Valentines day, i have an odd notion that i'll be planning some of it. that's cool though, also since it'll be a sunday might talk undefined mike into coming to church with me so we can take off after the service to hang.
sigh, work today&tomorrow, i need the money so in a way i'm joyful, but since i called out sick yesterday it'll take a lil bit to get back in the swing of things.

paix!

6th o' fevrier

2010-02-06T17:35:00.003-05:00

yes i'm having a pint. here @ gulu gulu in downtown Salem & i am a wee bit jelous of Phil Wyman being in Wales @ this hour.
Ieychy Da!
I've had a wonderful day. i've walked down essex st. twice thus far and once it was for chocolate & ice sculptures, this time it's for beer!
i've just had an arugala/spinich salad and am sippin my 2nd beer and life is good,friend.
God is good, i've been enjoying His gift of joy for the past week and nothing seems dire when one can declare THANK YOU ABBA! and know (through faith) that his reply will always be "well done good & faithful servant"
i've written a song that i will post later when i remember my song journal.
just got to consult a chord expert to figure out a key for the brief psalm.

those who read this blog, be blessed, cause the LORD is crazy in love with u and nothing would make him happier to hear you say "Lord? i love u too."

Friday...finally...

2010-02-05T15:54:00.003-05:00

Yes, tgif.
i'm weary and yet alert enough to not want to go home to nap but sit here in front st. coffee house and type and drink herbal tea.
work has been steady, and as i enter into this weekend since i've been up at 4am and busy doing odds and ends til 10 pm i have no worries of housework or even laundry this super bowl weekend(go saints).
i felt very privallaged to wear my earbuds and listen to my ipod to block the country music and kids chattering this offically to the day, 2 months after my 29th birthday.
i like being 29. so far good things have been happening in 2010.
i still need to figure out exactly what the IRS wants from my tax forms tho, they got rejected :-(

on a more positive note (i'm going to make a punny joke) my music has been beautiful. i practiced Vla yesterday and it was almost hard to put hymn away. i look forward to future creativity spurts given by the Creator.

i'm looking forward to this weekend, to try and relax and avoid caffine whilst hanging with the cafe folk.

PAIX, AMORE,

E!

Fevrier 2010

2010-02-04T07:42:00.003-05:00

Woo hoo! It is the 4 of February 2010.
Phil leaves for Wales tomorrow. da yaown.
prayer requests also include the prof Carols Z. & his knee.
Gabe C. for healing, also on the healing prayer list is nicole s. and jodi a.
all are much loved and if you who read this blog are the praying type please also lift up the gentrys who are in mourning.
Be blessed.
My life? glad u asked!
i have rejoined weight watchers and have lost 5 lbs in the month of January.
i've pretty much change my eating to protiens, veggies, fruit and some dairy.
which reminds me i have to get a multivitamin at some point today.
i'm really happy cause tonight at Whole Foods Swampscott there's a chocolate tasting which will be a wonderful reward for being so good healthwise in eating and working out.
Joyce G. has been very generous to me and mike b. by letting us use her condo's pool and excercise equipment 3 X a week. that's also contributed to the weight loss.
I'm sitting in Jaho right now enjoying some calorie free caffine free Rooibus "African Skies" tea. but now i bid farewell for i have an appointment.
be blessed and may God give you a miracle or at least a touch of JOY.

merry happy?

2009-12-13T14:03:00.002-05:00

i admit i'm not exactly as excited for Christmas as in years past. this being, to quote ben , "the year of discontent". i find myself releived to have shopped for i think everyone i've had a goal to shop for and december has been a much better month than say, march. what i am trying to say in 2009 december may be my favorite month simply because it is the month ending this somewhat topsy turvy year which has brought on both tears and laughter.
since i have not updated since september i might as well let you all in on somethings that have changed.
1.I am employeed. i have a part time job with the town of danvers and tho i and my friends snicker at the title after a few beers i am what you might call a lunch lady.
2.my roommate has a kitten. cranberry is very aprhensive about me, but darn it all she's a cute lil growing thing.
3. i received a christmas cactus...which is a pretty lil growing thing.
4.i'm really into a couple tv shows and right now i'm downloading the soundtrack to one of them.
5. best note to leave off on is that i'm happily hanging out with mike again. it's amaing how much the both of us have missed each other and how we've each changed enough to make hanging out soooo much more fun. he is so important to me, i wouldn't say he's the only thing that makes me happy but he is definately one of the top things to make me love and enjoy life more.
i am a christian and don't give much creedence to horoscopes but i think in this case i'll mention that i'm a sagitarius and he's a leo. i've heard rumors that those signs are a great pair, it's one of the few things i'll agree with in the astrological charts, because i really like mike, and i think he likes me too.

it is september...

2009-09-02T16:44:00.002-05:00

I fear my summer is almost at an end. well, at least i hope it is!
there's a lot up in the air this september, and i hope whatever lands lands in favor of being employeed once again and gaining a new skill by January. I suspect that my last blog didn't make much sense, nor should it if it's the one I'm thinking. i had a slightly elevated mood which lasted about 2 weeks and out of my head came slightly exagerated ideas which i can chalk up to a prexisting condition.
i feel slightly more sane now.
to tell true, i just got off the phone with ex boyfriend mike b.
i'm seriously tempted to see if we can create a friendship from the ashes of our past attempts since the break up in June.
this can be detrimental in many senses.
for one thing, i can never tell with him if we are going to have a good day or one that ends in me feeling like crap. sometimes we'll start off with a good day and end it with me pissed cause he was being an absolute asshole.
do i have the time and energy to even bother being friends with him?
i hope not, and yet i still like him enough to hope that he won't always make me feel like i'm not worth much because i'm fat or i miss running one time. just writting this makes me feel like even though i thought him attractive once, that's not always enough to justify him making me feel like shit.

2009-07-05T14:14:00.002-05:00

ah.
my finally day in beautious VT.
and the sun has finally allowed me to let myself ride Dakota (horse) and swim in the river at the audbon in hunnington.
the swim was delicious.
the ride was good too.
on my FB account i typed a song i scribbled down at the river.
Back home in Salem i hope to record it or at least practice it with Nug and Pastor Phil.
i've been fiddling lately too. unfortunately since Vla is broken i am playin Vln...but i am amazed at how fast i can fiddle with Vln vs Vla.
i should wrap this up and have some water and a Luna bar.
i've enjoyed the organic and fair trade shoppin i've been able to do up in Burlington.
i feel loved by even the bluebird i saw sitting on the road as i drove from the river up here to the rest stop to use VT wifi.
if you are a regular reader of this blog i want to share God drew me to Luke 11. in the message it says " while he was saying these things some woman lifted her voice above the murmurin crowd 'Blessed the womb carried you and the breasts from which you nursed!' Jesus quipped "Even more blessed are those who hear God's WOrd and guard it with their lives!"

my aunt and uncle are athiest/agnostic. but all weekend my aunt has been sayin she is blessed. please pray that her heart is broken and restored by the one bestowin the blessings!

live from VT! it's...

2009-07-03T14:08:00.004-05:00

If walking down the street wearing jeans, flops, paisly-esque shirt, and a tie dye bandana doesn't officially make you a hippie, does giving the peace sign, buying a fair trade peace ring, and swimming naked in a secluded river push you over the beat nick line?

i am recovering from dreams, visions, and basking in the glory of an Abba who told me take my burden, it's light!
and
cast all your cares upon me, for i love you!

he's been telling me some exciting revelations lately, please pray that they are carried out to the fullest to fufil my recurring image of a lighthouse growing out of Salem and Marblehead and igniting with holy spirit Fire, which then sends sparks across the nations to grow other (lifehouses)!

also pray for confimation that the silver chalice i see in my visions being filled and over flowing is the truth light and peace that the saviour wishes to pour upon the earth.

blessings friends.

love in Crist,

Izenbelle

didya ever feel like a comic book character?

2009-06-30T12:42:00.002-05:00

so i'm chilling with my friend Joyce at the Vault, where the Gathering meets, and we start playing with the photo booth, cuz macbooks are cool, and get into conversing about the above photo.

Have you ever felt like a comic book hero?

i have.

i cannot "out" any of my fellow super heroes (most of whom also struggle with mental illness) but i will out myself as "Electric Elizabeth"

as a Holy Spirit baptized both in water and with the gift of toungues (also i'm able to speak french, a lil spainish, a lil welsh, and a lil german), the holy spirit tend s to literally make me move.

Joyce brought up an example of "being moved in the spirit" that happend Sunday, June 28th, 2009.

Jeff Gentry, co pastor of the Gathering at Salem, was speaking on Luke 9: the sending out of the disciples.

at a pivotal point in his point making, i had a moment of annointing and called out whilst twitching "hospitality".

when Jesus sent out his disciples he sent them with nothing, to heal and preach, so the basic distractions were stripped,and when entering villages, they had to humbly ask for basic needs, food , shelter, ect.=hospitality.

do you practice hospitality?

it's not easy, times are tight...unemployment and the like...but if we are blessed, shan't we share what we have with those who have not?

PAIX

dude, it's like...april!

2009-04-10T11:12:00.003-05:00

this picture is a good symbol of finally feeling some warmth in the air!

today, good friday, april 10th 2009.
it means a lot to me in the reflection of a time where in a week the Saviour Jesus Christ went from hero(palm(pine) sunday) to most despised man in Isreal.
when in the Bible it mentions that God "hardened the hearts" it's usually a really bad thing for the one who is serving God.
it's also passover this week and i don't think there's any coinsidence that the remembrance of the perfect sacrifice is also at the same time the remembrance of being spared from the angel of death comes in jewish and christian faiths.

i'm in a lot better place than i was a couple weeks ago. it might be spring and the enjoying of the beautiful weather. it might be the natural progression of mood swings.

but having today off from work and trying to make an effort to reflect on how alone the Christ was, it's a privallege to carry everything to him who died, and on sunday we will remember, he who also rose again.

update february 18th

2009-02-16T10:23:00.006-05:00

that's me and mike. we just started dating after hanging as friends for about a month.
it was really nice having him as a valentine this year.
also on valentines day i moved in an apartment on essex st Salem.
i have an apartmentmate named Suzanne. unfortunately the apartment is really bland and colorless. to fix this i hope to hang some colorful pictures. i like my room, small tho it may be. i'm hoping to hang some drapes up soon that are berry colored.
life has been going good. i've enjoyed introducing mike to my friends at the gathering through pub theology and Carlos' birthday roast.

i'm on school vacation this week and it's been good thus far. i look forward today to bowling with Chris and some of his friends and then going to DBSA, if the snow doesn't
start! also look forward to hanging with mike more, possibly rollerskating on Saturday with my friend becky, and maybe visiting gma sometime soon too.

heres to a new chapter in my life in salem!

update...oh and happy new year~2009~!

2009-01-09T22:07:00.002-05:00

welcome to 2009!
Thank the Lord that i survived 08...recession/downturn, whatever! 2009 will be better for me that last year.

top 3 things that already make this year better than last:

1. I'm in the state and moving to the city where i belong.
after the mistake of indulging in a destructive mania which landed me broke and in jail...i can safely say that my Deliver has given me some support here in Salem, Marblehead namely my parents and home churches (Gathering and GCC).

2. Encouragement.
i have had the privallege to be encouraged by both fellow Christians, fellow mentally ill folks, and those who graciously work with them. yeah i had to be hospitalized a few times this year but it was worth it for the regaining of a bit of sanity. it was really great to meet the most mature group of "Streamers" yet and the Filid. both of whom inspired me to continue seeking God's will for my life.

3. Work.

after losing a job while trying to attempt retail at bed bath & beyond, i was blessed by doing a "TE" at Holten Richmond Middle School. that job i will maintain til june, i'm so grateful.

be blessed.

stille nacht...

2008-12-16T16:09:00.002-05:00

sometimes one craves a silent night.

often times i find my weeks are full, but lately tuesday nights have managed to be a bit quieter.

i think of Christmas and influx of family coming, they tend to bring joy and gifts and want to be entertained. i cannot wait to see my sister, sisterinlaw, and brother!

yet,

i feel kinda depressed. it will be hard this year to tap into the joy when i feel kinda overwhelmed from work and saddened that financially i probably won't be able to afford going dancing on friday nights or mondays or wenesdays for that matter! (monday:lindy hop practice, wenesday:west coast swing, friday: salsa or yet another attempt to find swing city!)

i'm content that tho i won't be able to invest tons of money into this season, i do have time and can try to muster up a smile or , as jim says, a belly laugh.

gutten nacht!

nos da!

paix!

nauseum after naps

2008-11-09T14:47:00.003-05:00

i've been getting motion sickness sitting still.

fairly unimportatnt. and yet...

i heard a sister in Christ speak once on "modern inconviences" and how to take things that irritate one and flip it out to a praise and blessing to the Abba.

funny how certain services stick in ones craw like toffee!

i don't know, but perhaps, it wasn't the point of the message that hit home, it was the receptiveness of God placing ears on softened hearts and "breathing" through the Sister Rev. to make the words politely planting seeds of "hope and a future" in ears willing to hear.

i'm befuddlingly amazed at the beauty of the earth. but sometimes i'm more in love with the creation my Daddy sprinkled amongst the foliage.

i'm going for a walk now in this gorgeous weather now, with my Lover of Life, Jesus.

Ben Stien? an excellent choice for a film, movie review of Expelled

2008-11-08T16:24:00.002-05:00

I have been enjoying in my down time a movie, most of those who know me know at this point in my cycles(hypomania) i don't have the attention span for a 2 hour movie, but Expelled has captured my attention and made me aware of the dire need to get scientist to be scientist.

this movie has pithy humour and encourages a thought provolking conversation afterwards.

forunately it give creedence and sheds light upon a hidden debate.

ID(intelligent design) VS Darwinism

even in the opening credits one views Ben Stien as the key rable rouser and by him asking questions and putting out the valid question of "why?"

the film evolves from "subscribing to a concensus view" to exploring world history based on the same theories.

this film is moving as well, be aware those of you that pray that continuing a vigil in such for the nation and one another.

Freedom is Freedom, this movie will resignate with americans and the world community.

livin up to blog titles...

2008-11-04T19:44:00.003-05:00

i think some how i wanted my blog to be less about me and more about beliefs i find true and intellectually stimulating for the purpose of conversation and almost a desire to figure out the emerging "emergent" blogosphere. yet increasingly I've discovered that i'm not into everything emergent, or even intellectual stimulation. What i've discovered is this blog is my own and whatever passes through brain synapses winds up spewed through the fingers like a rough draft.

ha.

i truly admire the people who blog surf, find this blog, and wonder what are Izenbet's Interests?

i think i'll make a brief list:(top)

1. God(spirituality)

2.working on accepting myself for who i am

3. working (even be it part time)

4. music and jamming with musicians(be it on viola or drums or singing)
5. dancing

6.socializing with friends

7. making new friends

8. racial reconciliation

9. sleeping

10. cooking

things i struggle with will be ranted out on the more dysphoric(?) blogs

a bloggers guilt..

2008-09-27T20:25:00.002-05:00

i know not many people read this blog too often...and i don't blame them! i'm incredibly negligent about keeping this thing updated. and those of you i owe phone calls to or visits i apologize but thanks for actually reading this as a bit of an update!
so, to quote dwight from the office "what's the scuttlebutt?"
let's do this numericaly based on this month.

1. I have been working about 17.5 hours a week! not much i know but considering how I fell apart on the last job i feel incredibly blessed to be working at all.

2. I am an addict of Facebook and Heros and the Office. most guilty application in fb i'm on? owned!

3. Socially, man i miss some of my friends! esspecially the ones i don't see like, at all! To the ones in the Boston area that i haven't seen in about a year...we're due for at least a tea or coffee.
in the mean time...i am having a good time getting to know some of the members of my clubhouse. social outings with them can be either trying or friendship building or both! i feel like the youngest woman at the clubhouse most of my friends there are over thirty. i'm not far off from the semi big 3-0 but honestly i wish i had friends close to my age that have some similar interests and are in the area so talking on the phone for a while wouldn't cost an arm &leg!

so y'all know about my month o' Septembre...how was your month?

update

2008-08-28T16:53:00.002-05:00

so i'm sitting here thinking i could really use a walk this beautiful august evening, but remain glued to the lazy boy cause reflecting on the week and day...i'm kinda crashing!
thank God it's not in an emotional way!
i'm actually looking forward to this fall and next week and opportunities that are rising. i know i can reach goals of rekindling contact with the people i considered friends before the isolating and feeling not worthy of being their friends. i know now that calling someone isn't inconviencing them and even if it's awkward at first hopefully if i call someone we can be honest and i hope to just be able to be me.

Lordship...Sunshine Deathray...and googly eyes

2008-06-05T19:14:00.003-05:00

Two weeks in Kentucky = a whole lot to think about!
i will try to break up the 2 weeks into 3 segments which will be the title subjects.

LORDSHIP

my brother mike was intent on getting me in on the "life with guy" night the thursday me and G.G. rolled into town. fact is it was a group of young marrieds plus myself, bro, gg and mikey's roomie dave as the single reps. the dinner went alright, typical topics Christian youngfolk expecting children talk wafted over the table. oh yeah, 5 couples in the church are expecting children. i'm not going to reopen the dinner conversation cause that's not the point, but that is where the name Sunshine Deathray was thrown in. umm lets get to the point...the point where i got really real and was honest about me and Jesus. i think i really said too much, but what's weird is my brother had a clue that the past 5 years of my life have been rather stagnent, which transaltes to the challenge thrown in my face in the "hot seat" the question of " do you declare jesus' lordship over your life?" i thought i made myself very clear in the 1/2 hour questions were being thrown at me i love jesus, and i'm a christian, but it didn't seem good enough for this group of strangers. and i can see why from more reflection on why the hell i've been stuck in my parents house for 20 someodd years, making the same mistakes, going through the same cycles and always not falling/leanin/ seeking the life God surely wants to bless me with. He wants me to let my heart love and get me out of the cycle (hedges) .

anyways...i left that meeting tired and not wanting to ponder the greatness of what happend in that room. not wanting to face that maybe, just maybe, i should tap into the kentucky life my brother has experienced for a bit and increase the hunger after the Lord ember started in me once again.

Ghissela and I spent the rest of my time there talking, walking, watching hulu, and hanging out a bit with mike.

in Lexington, i loved helping my aunt susan out where she needed and listening to her advice. i enjoyed hanging out with my now grown cousins and celebrating Sean's graduation from high school, but what a change since the 15 years that i had last visited them!
tuesday wing night needs to translate up here too....i need to find a wing place and some folks to share wings with!

finally, on the final leg of my journey from Lex to Bos, i noticed something creative on the Riverside green line, googly eyes on a poster, i like googly eyes.

goodbye again?!?! indeed

2008-05-18T14:07:00.002-05:00

i'm leaving!

but not for as long as i was gone last time. (yay! no dallas{if that's his real name})
i'm actually taking off tuesday with my future sister in law ghissela. we will be driving down to NJ then across to KY to bring my bro mikey a van and happiness through seeing me and his fiancee! so...what's planned for this trip? definately not another trip to jail(medications will be packed and used). the loose plan for now is to hang with mikey for a bit and see the community he joined...then to stay with my favorite aunt, Susan Stens.i plan to be back around the 1st of June, Ghissa wants me to stay longer but i kinda still need to work on putting my life together here on the northshore. there's nothing easy about not being able to see one of my few friends again til august after i drop her off in her new home, but that's just another thing on my list to change about myself. the friend component, it's not easy not having many people to call on the weekends to just chill with.

so the list: 1. job
2. housing
3. friends
4. dance
eh, that's enough for now

still on the recovery road

2008-03-18T14:08:00.002-05:00

well my week or so has included being discharged from a php(partial hospital program), attending an emotional wearing/ spirtually encouraging conference, pulling out vla and using him for worship, and various meetings explaining to me DMH(department of mental health)/Mass Rehab/Goodwill ect.
it was a bit hard hearing from my therapist that i crossed the line from "normal" to needing to be on DMH and seeking state services, but knowing that i haven't fought this fight in vain and getting out of Steadman household territory is a goal that's more reach able in the near future. i know i have to have much more of a fire lit under my ass to fill out applications and such. i need to find out how much i do need to fill out those aps and how much i need to rely on those interviews ect for dmh, goodwill, and mass rehab.
anyways, tomorrow may include a trip to the unemployment office despite all the nice folks i'm meeting.also included in tomorrows mundane adventures, an oil change and filler up o'my dad's truck, a possible filing for section 8 housing, a glance through roommate postings, and the hope to wake up on time and say something worthy of therapy in my therapist session.
peace...i think i'm feeling it a little more :)

must i be my label?

2008-03-09T19:56:00.003-05:00

there's an old addage i repeatedly hear in every recovery program i've survived.

you are not your illness.

yet as i recover from another verbal exchange with my mom and since she holds the keys to the place i lay my head i honestly can't tell wether or not she sees me as elizabeth her daughter or bipolar 1.

there's a lot of recovery i'm going through now and as my eyes glance over my last post i relize i have a long way to go.

i'm kinda emotionally feeling some of the pain in bearable incriments of the abuse of not even being told why i was locked up in Ft. Smith, or the fact that Sgt. Dallas abandoned me and i couldn't accept it right away recovering in St. Vincents in Little Rock.

to let people know i wrote the Dallas a final communique just asking for some items to be returned...i fully expect it to be ignored...but it was almost some closure to whatever happend as well. i never want to go back to ft smith...but i will miss some neighbors who were supportive and cool to the native new englander out of her element.

there's a lot of stories to be told about my excersion from Salem, Ma...but right now i'm just thankful to have a bed...clothes...food that i like to eat... and the prospects of reclaiming a functional existance (despite being in NE).

like i said there's still a lot to recover from. but i have a therapist, and thank you Jesus for being back on some medications. i know it's weird to thank Jesus for things like lithium, but just being in an era where the hospital stay at Mclean is now just about a week or so to get stable on chemicals i wake and take or take before sleep, as opposed to the fact it used to take months and scenes like those out of One who Flew over the Cuckoos Nest. i really don't think i need a lombotomy thanks.

stiffled....

2008-01-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

well i declare!

that this years resolutions will be....to be myself...and not crack under the strain of two strong minded parent who declare sickness in times of strength(assertion).

that means...i've got to find a place to live...that they are aware i'm safe, but can't come to call everytime they think i need advice!

anyone have sanctuary?

oes i know( i can't make a random cattle call on this blog...)

but i know that i have sisters, who might enjoy chill company, and not mind strange work hours...(sigh)

flightest of the fight spirit has been released.

i have no words to describe having hovering parental units...when all i want is my mission field...

i don't like living here!

2008-01-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

if anyone is interested...i'm about to declare my purpose

from notes about myself:

creative
light
beauty
declaration
bold
dancer
reflective
heart
broken
drawn
will of God
sold soul
friend
of anyone
devoted....to one cause

expulsion of the holy spirit...

please, comment my friends, i like encouragement...speaking is weakness, but in it, i am made strong...

through Christ, alone

not much

2008-01-04T16:26:00.001-05:00

eh, been explorin creativity once again,

i feel i've opened a sore vein that needed draining

i'm not sick, i've got __--0)(parental problems)

i feel so stifled like a mouse in a wall

one parent says" you're goin to fail"

the other" you're special--but stupid( in a sense that i won't make it...)

please if you read this do not mistake it for a dig against my family, it's a need to be elsewhere...

my spirit says(go) embrace the world(--)

my sensibleness says...aye no, you're stuck in this pit ...but i have useful gifts,

sigh, broken

need to

dance...

Christmas, Football, and Friends

2007-12-23T16:13:00.000-05:00

yes, i realize this picture is sideways. i also realize i don't know 3 of the people in it. my mom teaches quilting and esl and i guess they're some of her friends.
anywho, i am writting this more about this year and what is happening at this moment.
my brother and his friends (and one is kinda my friend) are watching football, seeing if the Patriots can truly go undefeated against they're kryptonite for a perfect season, the Dolphins. i kinda want to be there too, but have a feeling i'm not wanted in there. probably cause my mood is slightly elevated resulting in randomness.
i will go in shortly or hole up with some wings in the attic, where my randomness won't affect anyone, and i can cheer and dance loudly.but there is another family member a foot, whom may be in the way of me using the attic. bah, can't win at the moment...and after going shopping twice for the family and winning a game of pool once! you'd think i'd be ready to chill out and fall asleep to football, or read my Perelandrea book. *SIGH*
Christmas is also about a day away, hence the picture. i might have ventured to write more on reflections of family Christmas past, or even talk about the Ultimate Gift(Jesus). but i'm not at that point yet. and just getting back to the point of walking on a daily bases with my Saviour would be a great Christmas wish this year,(tears flowing). as someone prayed for me today without asking anything before we started praying, she said the Holy Spirit nudged her to pray love and peace, and to remind me that God made me just the way i am, and loves me and continues to pursue. and that the friendships i have right now and the place i am i'm supposed to be.
Angels we have heard on high
sweetly singing over the plains
and the mountians in reply
echo back their joyous strains

Gloria in excelsis Deo

happy thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

man, i'm so thankful that my family is farfromnormal.
i really enjoyed today, from the football game(mhd lost, 42-16), to my cousins, to grandma and, of course, the food!
i mean, where else could i go for thanksgiving where i'd be offered a job in Maine by my tipsy cousin? can anyone picture me moving to the sticks to be a halfway house matron?
also enjoyed, was the long walk to and on the beach...even got a few peices of seaglass. there was even a swan riding the waves as we moseyed down the beach. upon return tho there were quite a few anxious people waiting for pie.
uncle matt even made a dunkin dounuts run for the box o' joe he started to traditionally get after dinner, but Grandma has yet to explain her reasoning for brewing an entire pot of coffee that no one drank.a good thing that will come of that pot is a few days worth of iced coffee:-)
i am so thankful for the privallege that we live in a free country...i hope it stays that way. God bless all who read this blog...and may God impart on your hearts what you're thankful for today.

i'm a survivor...and i'm about to ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-10-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

good evening.
i just came off a 10 hr shift, and a weekend where i was up around 6am, and home around 10pm...

can i go to bed now?

i will breifly descibe some of the events that have transpired and kept me busy.

friday: worked at GCC (grace community church{marblehead}) from 10 am-12pm. *hour lunch*. went on to Salem to assist in set up of "Free Hot Cocoa" and fountain stage...
it went alright, despite getting soaked from the rain and standing beneth a leaky tent!
what wasn't going to work out was being expected to stand with one other person and a group of dream interrupting interns in the rain, til midnight!!! fortunately, there was a brave soul to sit on the stage, guard sound equipment, and allow the Vault to carry on the Brimstone Chronicles (visit Whyman blogs), and relieve me and the other "host mom" to get the interns out of the rain and to their warm, guest sleeping areas!

saturday: 10am dropoff for the 3 interns from chez steadman.
12pm therapist
1pm buy more work uniforms:)
2-8pm work
8-930pm events at the gathering('barking' for free hot cocoa, cleaning carpet @ Vault)

sunday: wake @ 5:30, putter
9:00 arrive at vault, prepare for worship
10:00 Gathering Sunday service begins
12:00pm lunch, work from 1230-130pm
2:00pm arrive back at Gathering, MONK UP!
3:00pm-5:00pm give confession of 'sins of the Church', in a vault, in robes, by candlelight, with the door locked.
5:30 prepare for 6pm service.
6pm service includes learning about Burning man, and an author who included pastor phil in a new book about unusual pastors.
8pm join up with a dream/ spirtual readers team
9:30 pm drop of luggage of 3 interns and go home :)

this weekend is really a kick off and foretaste of what next weekend, and halloween will be. it was great getting to know the new group of interns. please pray for the continuation of "seeds planted" and doors open, as well as adequate rest, peace, love and grace from all who serve.

peace of Christ!

izenbet

Bipolar Awareness Day

2007-10-04T19:20:00.001-05:00

today is Bipolar awareness day. i kept it in the back of my mind as i worked 12 hours today. thankfully the client was in a good mindset, therefore i had time to observe this day slightly.

the reason i even bring it up is not only the fact that i have this disorder, but to thank my friends and family whose relationship between them and myself have been affected by my mood swings.

most of my friends haven't been totally scared away, and i feel blessed with all the new friendships i'm forming with people.

i also want to thank Jesus, who has protected me from myself and in strange situations which could've really been bad. He is my rock.

King David, the famous psalmist, also had mood swings, from where he cried out to the Lord, "where are you?" and praised Him in the next psalm for annointing with oil.

hmm a man after Gods own heart, maybe there's hope for me yet.

combustable?

2007-10-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

"Is cherry blossom lotion combustable?" the question breezed through my mind as i stepped out of the JCC sauna after a 1/2 hr work out in the pool. i smiled and decided this would be a topic to hash out on my blog.
no deep philosophies today (impish smile), but if they invade my head i may have to let my fingers do the talking.
First, to explain the question, a couple years ago, when i was shedding pounds and eating correctly, i made the wise choice of moving my, ahem, limbs- in a pool for excercise. this coupled with some walks about Salem and Marblehead, was a sucess. but the point of this is not the weight, it was the sauna.
many times after the 45 minute water jogging/aerobics, i would meet up with the russian jewish ladies in the sauna and "chew the fat"(at least the english parts of the conversation). the rules posted about the sauna mostly made sense to me, no water (it's a sauna, not a steamer), no pregnant women (what would it do to the fetus?), but when i read on to the no lotions, and found the rule was broken daily, i followed the herd. Rationalization being, "I'm only here for a few to 15 minutes, what does it hurt?"
no ephinaies here, tho in the end i concluded ( and proved) cherry blossom lotion does NOT explode in a sauna, i might not bring it in as often, maybe, just maybe, i'll learn to respect an establishment.

welcome to september...

2007-09-18T16:48:00.001-05:00

i like September.

especially this one. beauty and coolness of the day beckons me to be out, to see the creation of God ready for the harvest. the apples taste mighty fine this time of year, as well as the cider and sauce made from them.

tho September does have it's reflective moments,such as 9/11,it still holds a sense of beauty and change.this september will not be like next years, it has the distinctness of being dry and unseasonably warm.

i find hope in the autumn, harvest, holidays(yom kippur and the other one that has slipped my mind, as well as labor day), and beginning to see the end of the year on the horizon.

i know the hymnst says "my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus Christ and righteousness", but sometimes my hope is in the little things he over sees, like seasons and months and things that physically exist. i may be of little faith if i like to see proof of what i believe in, but taking pleasure in things of this world, in the beauty God sets in it, i will not listen to any shunning of that!

i haven't written in a bit

2007-08-29T08:01:00.000-05:00

i haven't written a blog in a bit, probably cause i'm dissappointed with my last entry.
i don't know if anyone still reads this blog either, so i might be throwing up my hands and declaring "what's the point!?!?!"

on the other hand this is just a public journal of sorts, so i can abandon it and come back after a while and share with the world at large what's happend.

i don't know if i want to share...but i'll give some glimpses.

after fund raising and having doubts about going to the UK on the missions trip with the Gathering i went and had a pretty good experiance. i was really taught a lot about how to get a long with others and even if i feel on the outside of the groups within the small group to know that there isn't the concious effort of them to leave anyone out. also to relize i choose to be alone at times, and shouldn't blame anyone else for not understanding what i'm not vocalizing.

other than that i find we worked pretty well as a team. it was great seeing Trina and meeting her husband. it was great meeting the team at Y Gorlan. it was really cool to meet mike and jules. but despite all these great encounters i am kinda glad to be home.

hmm...i don't think i'm angry anymore

2007-05-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

how do i start after an angry attempt of expression?

let's first say, humanity is people who are real, and real messed up.

"hi my name is elizabeth, and i'm human."

we joke at the Gathering that we have Christians Annonymus on Sunday evening.
i think it's a good way to describe the "debates of theology" that happen between
those who tend to want to know God, are confused about faith, love, peace, grace, and the lot.
but for myself, unless Jesus is showing me scriptures to share, i want to listen.
i get tired of defending myself and just want to feel my extended family around me.
the love of Christ and the realization of Him loving me is at times overwhelming. He's forgiven me, he's forgiven and proved his love(struggle point).should be enough for any "good Christian".

i talked a bit yesterday about how formual "christianity" won't work.what i mean by that is to quip and sum up to say "2/3 a cup a faith and a dash of hope and a lifetime of servitude" is cheap way of summing up how Jesus changes one's life, and how His plan and call for each one of us is so different. It's a blessing that men and women are different, it's a blessing that i'm not like whoever reads this blog and that the struggles i have with my faith is an individual relationship between me and the Saviour of the world!

it's a blessing to be a bit quirky.

it's a blessing to have GOD reveil himself to an individual.

it's awesome to experience a level of grace,love and hope that only comes from one source.

yeah, i got a bit deep in thought there, but i don't intend to achive holiness, i just want a life, and to turn back at it someday and say "WOW! what a rush!"

(sisters:can't live with them, can't live in the same room with out them asking questions, distracting, then leaving in a huff!)

anger

2007-05-26T18:34:00.000-05:00

i admit it, i'm an angry person at times.
i've had a lot of stress, 3 back to back sketchy dreams, and i'm dealing with family dynamics i'm not cool with.
i know i'm supposed to be cool with having my whole family around an happy that the 2 biggest stressors are back from a trip, i love them muchly and don't want to dissappoint, but when it's assumed that i'm going to do something i'm not or just don't want to be bothered i need an escape route. and running out the door screaming isn't the right one!
verbally, i'm swift. but i think too often i'm more blunt than gentle. and i get fed up with the way we don't listen to one another and i get defensive, the yelling way we communicate is getting upseting.

maybe i need a retreat area of the house where i'm off limits...hide in the basement or curl up in my room, drown out the business of a family that doesn't grasp the idea that i need a silence in the late afternoon, that i don't need them to tell me what to do, that i belong outside the house than with a family that's too stressful.
now don't get me wrong, they're loving, patient, kind but it is healthy for adult children to live outside the house. NOT that there won't be new stressors, but there will be a healthy seperation and more of a respectful relationship between a room mate as oppose a family one has out grown.

that's more of a vent than an actual conversing blog and i relize this.

just has been on the mind at the moment and don't want to deal with the reality that i have to share space with people who don't get me...or do they?

candles, baths, and mishaps

2007-05-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

what your gaze has just floated across is the clean up of what otherwise was the most relaxing point in this day, May 21st, 2007.

the melted remains of what once was a beautiful, decorative(being the keyword) buttterfly candle, and the ball of recovered,scraped-off-tiles wax beside it hammered in one lesson to me.

that lesson being, while relaxing to candlelight baths, keep an eye on the candle!

i guess i was kinda asking for it, the flame on the wick of the lower candles was far more flameworthy than a "normal" candle should ever aspire to blaze to. scraping the wax and holding the ball of it in my hands as it cooled reminded me of old friends from high school that experienced far more scary lapses in judgement.

one girl shared with me and a group of friends that she had just lit some candles and incense when the phone rang. she answered it(this being before cell phones) and started chatting with a boy she'd been flirtting with. when she took the call to her room she freaked to see that the table the candles were on had tipped and there was a fire lapping at her rug. extinguishing it her "boyfriend" talked her through cleaning things up and covering the burned spot with furniture.
i'm sure she let her mom know later, but what really struck me was through this lapse of judgement there was someone on the phone that calmly guided her through the fixing of the problem.

lapses of judgement happen to everyone. makes me hope and believe that there's more out there than "luck" and "chance".
makes me believe in the still small nudging at my heart to do the right thing, this spirit that when i admitted true belief in Jesus, seemed to stick with me, through some pretty stupid things i got myself into.

happy mothers day

2007-05-12T19:17:00.000-05:00

well i'll briefly disclose that this was a very busy saturday. i'll also disclose that i have yet to pick up a mothers day present, which i will do after a few more key strokes.
it would be nice if i had a picture of me and my mom to post on this thing. yet she's sorta camera shy. and havin her sit in front of my computuer to take a shot just seems too much of a hassle at the moment.
if any poetry came to mind about how generous and kind and servant focused my mom is, i'd share it, yet due to busy days and nights my creative side was completely depleated with the playing of my new toy, a keyboard/electric piano sorta thing.
my mom and i haven't always gotten along. i'm kinda hard to handle and risk taking, she's sorta bossy and nervous. but things have evened out and i'm so thankful for the qualities that so many others spot right away.
she has a heart for teaching English as a Second Language classes twice a week in Boston. She makes friends with foriegn students at Salem State, which sometimes leads me into some cool international friendships.
my mom loves me, despite the trials i know i put her through, and because of the simple blood ties and watching me grow in the Church, in school , and in the continuing search for a Christ centered purpose. i know not to take my mom for granted, but it took a while to grasp and be thankful for the woman who carried me nine months and is now even letting me live in her house and open it up to friends who are visiting.

ok that's enough! time to run to home depot for the mom day gift! happy mother's day to all moms, and future moms, and grammas for that matter.

e!

relief/bittersweet g'd bye

2007-05-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

so. today was my final day at a job i didn't quite fit.
it involved working with a population i easily befriended but struggled with being
an authority figure. so i planned activities, attempted leadership, helped in some capacities, but failed in others.

i will miss the teens i worked with, and the adults were memorable, but when my gifts lie elsewhere it's time to do what i know.

i know how to help the elderly.

i know how to baby sit.

i know how to serve.

with a lot of this figuring out what my gifts are and job sorting- it causes reflection on "why did God put me here?" or "what is my purpose?"

continued practice at telling myself i'm not a faliure, encouraging others comes after first confirming that i'm not any less than the ones i serve, and continuing my playful smirk or out right smile will help.

i thank God everyday for the friends i have, i continually have the desire to grow and be more aware of subtle hints.

Loving God and my neighboor aren't necessarily a problem, being aware of my worth and desire for purpose in fitting with my gifts will be on my personal Jesus chats for a bit.

maybe this is an oppertunity to earn money for going back to school--eeeck---i'm not much of a student.

maybe this is a chance to focus on raising money for Wales...that would be a great thing! maybe i could work on the language thing too...that actually sounds fun to me.

so i'll leave off on the note that it is a bit strange for me to have had to give a up a job(again) and focus on more of what i know. but it makes sense that knowing that God has given me certain gifts as he has with all his creation, knowing limits and exceling in gifts given will be ...a good task. it always makes me wary of books like "Prayer of Jabez", asking God for more is ...scary, but doing what God has placed in front of me sounds like a good enough challenge for me.

wheewwww! what a weekend...

2007-05-06T16:07:00.000-05:00

yep! i survived the deep space mission of GOD: for people who hate church.

it went alright, on prof carlos z 's blog and some sinner and saints blogs you can get more of a gist of what happend, play by play even!

i suppose i should share what most impacted me. and narrowing it to one thing would be fairly impossible, but having had drilled into my head that nothing is impossible with Jesus/God/ HS ( let's call it the trinity)...i must highlight a few points.

1) Friday- what i can remember is arriving early and helping with some gopher/ paper/ final collating and such. Streams arrived! which puts a whole bunch more joy-in- the- Spirit to see such close brethren again serve side by side with them. when the speakers started arriving more of the Gather-gang, the lull was ---delightful. the weather cooperated enough...and fellowship and outreach through dream interp and the flip side meeting with friends, looking for needs to fill.

2) Saturday- one word-Conversations. relating with folks some of whom i just met-i found one of the 2 workshops i actually sat still for opened doors to deeper converstations. both with old friends and with new/been part of Gathering before friends. A resignating note highlighten throughout was grace. it's amazing how Christians will rationalize why we judge and bitterly tear apart one another, and falseify "friendships" in order to "convert".
what happend to the old hymn " and they will know we are Christians by our LOVE????"

Jay Bakker highlighted how his family was torn apart because of unforgiving, judgemental people who in a vigorous manor managed to destroy a family's way of life and ministry in 24 hours. Jokes about the faliure of a man in power caught in sin rang in his ears. Even today after finding Jesus and putting trust in him, the man has a platter full of situations that make people crack. From his mother's cancer to his friends ailments and death of friends, how does the "light" shine in this darkness?

through the love shone by brothers and sisters. whether they be Christian or not, having someone that's there as a constant, tangible, call-in - the - middle-of-the-night friend makes worlds of difference.

3) wrap up Sunday- the service was -UNIQUE. in a really good way. from the druming circle to the hugs, the offering to the cacophuny of sounds, dancing, inviting the spirit to wash over each of us, scriputure quoted to debunk the conversations of "plastic jesus" .
'Don't put jesus in a box'
'{ Job 42}'

Tony Jones, den leader of cub scouts, PTA member, Minnesota native, and finally main dude to associate "Emergent" with:said one thing that stuck with me. "If you want to be a part of the e. church, be prepared to have idols shattered. Be prepared to be challenged to have Jesus fully God of your life. And shatter my idols as well."

yes there's a lot more ...my brother meeting my friends, making friends with folks all across the country....i could go on..but won't.
i'll just end with one of my favourite verses:

"His Grace is Suffiecent for thee, for His power is made perfect in weakness."

dimanche

2007-04-29T14:44:00.000-05:00

today is the last Sunday of April.
i have no expectations for today, i've already been to church and taken a nap.
there is a bunch of praying i'll need to do for the week and keeping friends in mind who are applying for jobs or gearing up
for the conference.
yes, GOD: for people who hate church.
i'm looking forward to volunteering and for my brother and au pair friends to come and experience a conference put on by some "brothers and sisters" i've become close to over the past 2 years. i'm greatly encouraged at the thought of my friends from Streams coming down and doing more dream and confessional stuff.
what passes through my thoughts is whether or not i'll get enough rest to blitz through the craziness and have the right servant heart through out. will i see a need and be there to fill it? will the proper amount of people be there? (cause i have a feeling this is going to be huge).
so, goals this week:1. pray and meditate on God, let him reveil himself
2. go back to work and do it well and with a joyful heart
3. communicate with family and friends
4. rest when needed( todays nap was a good start;-)
5. look forward to seeing everyone on May 4-6!

elizabeth!

the choice of a lifetime

2007-04-16T14:11:00.000-05:00

things of God confuse me. Most folks get confused about why things happen from time to time. Such as the 39(at the moment) people dead at VT. i'm praying and sad for the loss of so many lives. i'm more grieved at the hate and self loathing that the gunman had to
do such a tragic Columbin-esque shooting.
People sometimes turn to the wrong things for help. there are a lot of start up, state funded, grass root or otherwise counciling for drug addicts, mentally ill, and outcasts in general.
but it comes down to the individual making the decision. CHOICES. the addict will always prefer to be high than deal with their kids, or their responsiblites. it takes strength to choose sobreity. the mentally ill, at least for me, would prefer to ride a mania than be boring and normal (but i relize the best thing is to fight the temptation), or for others it's the escapism into a world that isn't as judgemental, or just makes more sense than the cruel world.
there is hope. A lot of people make the right choices everyday. and choose to love not on their own power but on the basis of the grace that is given from Jesus. others find people to be yoke fellows and find that though it is difficult, there are people who shine for Christ. AA or NA are programs that encourage folks one day at a time to focus on making it through without the drugs.
Have you seen someone shine light in a dark place? i have, it's beautiful.
it has the power to know how to talk someone down from a ledge. to hug someone who otherwise wouldn't be touched.
but what i really want to see, is the beauty of the middle and upper class begin to show. i want those who are so scared to let someone see weakness, show that they have generosity for more than family, cars, and yoga. it's beautiful once these
folks shine! admitting there's a problem is the first step to recovery, and a closer step to the Truth, which i find abundant in the Bible.

not so misrepresented

2007-04-02T20:08:00.000-05:00

there are some tv shows that i think kinda get mental illness. one in particular i'll mention quick is friday night lights.
there is a teenager that potrays not only the bipolar illness, but how it affects loved ones really well. it's a show that doesn't necessarily demonize the disease as i have seen it demonized on other shows.

i don't have much else to say, i think i'm crashing after a bit of the mainia. staying up til all hours on saturday does catch up with a person.

e!

misrepresented

2007-03-27T19:49:00.000-05:00

well this might become a multi part blog about the misrepresentation and some accurate potrayls of my disorder.
first off, i have a disability.
it's called Bipolar Dissorder.
it is a medical condition which cycles me through depressed states and elated states called manias.

when i'm depressed i tend not to take care of myself, i sleep a lot, eat a lot, and don't feel like doing anything good. all i can dwell on is what a wretched, selfish person i feel like and i want to die. in 2001 i had my first major suicide attempt.
the good side of this is i have been on medication and it has stopped the depression, through therapy i have learned to not give in to any thoughts of self harm and to redirect my thoughts and actions to something i like and something that's not a lie.

when i'm 'manic' i will talk and not be able to pick up on social cues. i will have unlimited enegry and get distracted easily. i will not be able to sleep. sometimes i will be up all night doing things that really don't need to be done, organizing things, typing to strange men on IM, sometimes trying to sleep.

likewise, medications treat this, tho some of them need blood levels and have bad side effects, like acne and over long term use, muscle twitches and arthritis.

so why am i up in arms about the potrayal of someone who coasts inbetween highs and lows?

well i don't like in CSI the fact that one episode was a bipolar teenage woman who smashes her neighboors mailboxes and gets killed by her father to solve the problem of what to do with her. yea i know certain folks who don't want to treat their illness cause pills suck esspecially if you need them for the rest of your life.

the other CSI i'm objectable to is the one where the teacher has a crush on the student and does a suicide/photo/slide projection of her and the dead student. i know there have been cases where a bipolar teacher falls in love w/ a teenager. but that's not always the case with us.

there have been many creative geniuses, Virginia Woolfe, Schumann, and Byron to name a few.

i'll discuss this topic further in future blogs, and maybe delv into the spirtual responses i've had to my illness.

Spring Snow!

2007-03-24T12:50:00.000-05:00

i have mixed feelings of joy and frustration with the announcement of snow tonight.
i love snow. winter is more fun with the tossing of a few snowballs, and since we had flowers
blooming in January i think it's almost a twisted

"well you didn't get winter then, so i'll give it to you
when your croques poke up their heads."-love from Canada and the rest of the country

i'm glad today was otherwise beautiful...i just hope things don't flood when the warm weather returns.

went to CBD warehouse sale. that 's a crazy place to be.

2007-03-23T21:18:00.000-05:00

WOOHOO! Concerts at the Vault!

tonight there was a Tom Conlin concert, but i was at work, partying down with the ATW crew, a belated St. Patricks day event:). i even got to fiddle a bit for the crowd, it was much appreciated. and the games and dancing and corned beef and cabbage was a hit.

but

back to the point. this Sunday at 6 at the Vault there 's a fundraiser for the Vault which will feature some wonderfully talented musician which include Elijah Wyman, Carl Nysdat, grateful ted, and more! also it is called the phil wyman thing, tho i prefer "Holy Ail"

Mae e yn lawn!(he's alright!)

Pwy ydyn nhw!

rock on in the Salem (peace) town!

has spring attacked yet?

2007-03-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

this entry is in honor of my friends with allergys. this includes my sister.
spring can not only be beautiful and temperture wise a great improvement...but when
one turns to their wheezy, watery eyed friend, the light dawns and one realizes,
"hey, maybe not everyone has the same yearning to get muddy and enjoy the peeping out of
various plants..."
now i might excuse the muddy part on folks not relishing the squishyness an "sucction" that i find
facinating cause ...well it's cool.
but it is scary to hear someone who can't seem to get their allergys in check. Of course there is Claritin, and
other antihistimines, but some people complain of side affects?

of course, side affects (not including allergic reactions) are not something i consider to be a deterent...cause if i was
with a nose full or wheezing i would hope my friend would have sense enough to get me to a cvs or dr's to
counteract the unwanted reaction.

in closing...here's to those who struggle against the elements and aren't available for the next muddy expedition!

i raise my eye drops in sault!

2007-03-12T14:47:00.000-05:00

well i wanted to show off my latest edition to my body...the picture doesn't do it justice.
it took about 2 hours to do. and it,well some parts of it, really hurt!!
but the artist really knows his stuff and payed attentions to detail. the sketch came from
a necklace i own. the snake was a bit altered but for the better for the tatoo's sake.

love you all! or at least am still trippinly happy over my body art.

enjoy!

2007-03-07T05:15:00.000-05:00

hoffi coffi?

da yam!

anyways i'm up early this morning cause...well...cause i can!

the Lord has shown me a lot lately concerning music.

my viola has been praising him and when i don't worship through that i sing or pray a loud.

i even wrote a song i may post here sometime.

it has to do with God being Abba Father.

SImple, sweet and knee deep.

Peace for now!

elizabeth

2007-03-04T03:31:00.000-05:00

after watching , "the exorcism of Emily Rose" i get nervous waking at 3 in the morning for no reason.
but after a quick prayer and a run through of Jeniffer Knapp's "Faithful to Me" or "Marytrs and Theives"
i am brought back to a trusting of Jesus state.

God bless and keep all who read this blog!

elizabeth

Ponder

2007-03-03T12:51:00.000-05:00

deeeeppppp thooooouuuughts:

are the eyes the windows to your soul or the decievers of the mind?

if m and m's were called d and d's would they be as popular?

say there's a man walking on a sea wall at high tide, would he avoid the waves or revel in them?

hmmmm lots to ponder...

Guiness makes me Human

2007-03-03T06:11:00.000-05:00

welll.... confession time.
i love to go out on Friday nights. but i'm spontaneous. i want to find a friend and impulsively have an adventure.
so last night, after visiting the Wymans and Josh Rivera, i jumped on the blue line at Wonderland and went to Fanuiel Hall's
Jose Mcyntires. it's the best tex-mex irish bar(bah) in Boston.
it's amazing how you just fall into the most comfortable conversations with political folks who enjoy a pint.
i met an engaged couple who met in Alaska, the connection they made was over Boston Red Sox.
Also met a couple of 30 somethings who had opinions on Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, and more importantly , the next republican canidate. we came to the conclusion the best team would be Mc Cain/Romney.

i'm so happy when in a stubborn democratic state i can find folks with brains enough to discuss civily things debatable rather than being labled and ostracized.

elizabeth

"God made you special and He loves you very much" -VeggieTales

HI! Salut! Kamatchua! Hola!....

2007-03-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

Bienvenue and Welcome!
i don't guarentee that all thoughts posted will be educational or make any sense.
but sometimes the things i write take a little more thought than a first glance.
take my love of world languages.
sometimes i interrupt it as a calling to join my mother in teaching ESL.
but mostly i let it play into my love for travel and missions.
i've been on missions in middle school and high school with Grace Community Church, back when it was
First Baptist of Marblehead.
that's where i discovered my love for the international folks.
FOCUS is a ministry to international students and anyone who wants to learn english.
it's an amazing experience to be exposed to cultures from the middle to the far east.
I taught ESL for a year after coordinating the FOCUS nursery. (WHOLE 'nother blogpage).
I had the most determined students. there was a woman from Morocco, a man from Brazil, and the most
memorable being Cheng San, a mentally challenged man from China who's life revolved around the FOCUS programs and
classes. He was so dilligent that he would record all the lessons i gave on his tape recorder, also he did his homework and classwork with the help of a Brazillian Christian named Abraham.

Christ taught me a lot through enlish classes, patients, understanding, persaverence- but the most important thing i took out of it was the agape, unconditional, Love for your neighboor. no matter who they are

peace!

Izenbet