despicable abuse

if you know me
you might know kindness

if you like me
you may know goodness

if you hurt me
i walk away

if you attack me
i defend myself

if you even think of sociopathicly
attacking my friends?

that's the end.

No, i'm not homocidal nor suicidal but i have PTSD

my greatest need right now is to find safe housing and a ptsd service dog that doesn't trigger me back to ft smith arkansas 2008 and a black lab named max.

all is possible through prayer & petition.
cuz joyful joyful LORD WE adore thee

and it is him alone that is worthy of praise.

i will see folks on the outside

pray, continually

He is listening and answering.
joy complete

PAIX

3 dreams

i write on this nearly forgotten blog to report 3 dreams in the course of about a week.

1. i dreamed the church the gathering was taking a picture outside of the Vault and they were dressed all in white. the men in choir/baptismal robes. and the women all in wedding dresses.

2. the second dream was of hanging out with a man who i like and involved a pair of red sports shorts. the dream included another male friend who gave me advice on the other man by relating to the situation if he had been the man.

3. i was in a prison or school of some sort and women and men were going in and out of doors in the hall way whispering to each other and always shutting the doors behind them. i didn't know any of them. also i was in the rest room twice in the dream, but didn't use the sinks or toilets, it was like i just was confused of where i was supposed to be since the doors were being shut and i was tired of being in the hallways.

any interpertation of any of the dreams would be greatly appreciated.

paix! <>

no blog since APRIL!?!??!

the times they were a changing.

2011, Octobre, premier.

i have a slight curiosity as i gaze into the bleak grey day. so far, well, there in lies the tale.

if i do total recall to what's happened in 6ish months, i would be amazed by higher power's protection and grace, and a lil ashamed that i was so foolish to lapse into desperate hope for acceptance from toxic people.

if you know me, i hope blessings emerged from my mouth and not curses.
i pray that you saw my smile and knew it was genuine.

love

bibles outline this as the greatest commandment. LOVE the LORD your god. Love your neighbor as yourself.

my whole life i think the main struggle i've had was "how can i love my neighbor if i don't love myself?"

back to the toxic users. it is clear they don't love themselves, but instead of seeking answers, they tend to try to fill their voids with adultery, things, money, and using people.

i think my problem was different. i was so desperate to find how to love and forgive myself, i gave.

isn't that what christianity preaches? "god loves a cheerful giver, give him all you got!"

so it makes sense if i give in the name of the LORD til i have nothing, as long as i do it cheerfully, and can battle against nasty depression and worthless feelings, i 'm "perfect"?

ha.

what a nasty word at times. i might be "fucking perfect" to pink or if i read Paul, the old is gone new has come, therefore be perfect and blameless. there is still the wrestling with love.

i think i shared some of my brushes with charismatic prophetic crowds. and the prophecy over me and the love and prayers of brethren have mended some of the belief that love is unattainable when i'm not god. we as christians have all fallen. we are called not to judge but to be friends and uplift those who are repentent and broken.

if i haven't really shared the prophecies, they have all been positive.
one was that i'm a "prophetess", sharing boldly the word of the lord, the other is more of a daily practice of loving those who have also been broken hearted, and praying to abba for their healing.
it brings me joy to have purpose.
and as far as i know some prophetic/dream interperting teams will be setting up "camp" weekends on essex st in salem.
healers coming as far away a the UK and prophetic/dreamers from all around as far as i know will be available for words of encouragement and life.

Ok i didn't cover the last 6 months, but i learned. and i'm hanging with good girlfriends and guy friends. and if you catch yourself judging or beating yourself up, remember , LOVE cast out fear, and covers a multitude of sins.

be blessed.

PAIX

home-ish

i sit.
listening to the bruins.
on my left smokes my lil sis CR.
to her left, king, and her let, queen.

the kingdom is tuned to the bruins,
who lead 2-1
earlier, waltzing around the willows
a mandatory trip, that included chinese food.

my tattoo is healing.
i'm happy with it
i have a permanent mark
to remember my 30's ( and my nickname)

pugsley & spazzick
sit puggly in the window
barking @ motorcycles
and the occassional keno player

life is what it is
i don't go around pasting smiles
but life is laughable
and that grace, undeniable

april 23

with my family.

so drowsy.

life is good.

and i should,

forget the faet that i want my flirtations to call me!

my tattoo,

is not near a shoe,

joyce is tickled

by the thought

of me working

at pioneer house.

what she don't know

that my boy CJ

admires my renaming,

the house of parinoia

two trailor park girls

go round the outside,

one tells the other

to date a guy

the duke is making

me want to be puking

and all the joy i've been getting

is from my peeps the wiccans

the christians have been "holy"

and i shall be singing

the praises of a risen Lord

for years of conquered hearts minds and souls

PAIX

i sleep between the Wiccans

i sleep betwix the wiccans

for twighlight is drawing near

i sleep between the wiccans

for there i have no fear


i sleep between the wiccans

to escape two trailer park girls

i sleep betwix the wiccans

so i won't get sucker punched


i sleep between the wiccans

for my weary body to be held

i sleep between the wiccans

for my soul is still a light


i sleep between the wiccans

cause i know no other way

i sleep between the wiccans

for salvation is today


PAIX!

3rd tat @ 30

if you know me.
you know i identify with "paix".

it is french for peace...and beyond understanding
god has granted me just that

just for fun GOd added joy.

but i always refer to "paix de crist"