despicable abuse

if you know me
you might know kindness

if you like me
you may know goodness

if you hurt me
i walk away

if you attack me
i defend myself

if you even think of sociopathicly
attacking my friends?

that's the end.

No, i'm not homocidal nor suicidal but i have PTSD

my greatest need right now is to find safe housing and a ptsd service dog that doesn't trigger me back to ft smith arkansas 2008 and a black lab named max.

all is possible through prayer & petition.
cuz joyful joyful LORD WE adore thee

and it is him alone that is worthy of praise.

i will see folks on the outside

pray, continually

He is listening and answering.
joy complete

PAIX

3 dreams

i write on this nearly forgotten blog to report 3 dreams in the course of about a week.

1. i dreamed the church the gathering was taking a picture outside of the Vault and they were dressed all in white. the men in choir/baptismal robes. and the women all in wedding dresses.

2. the second dream was of hanging out with a man who i like and involved a pair of red sports shorts. the dream included another male friend who gave me advice on the other man by relating to the situation if he had been the man.

3. i was in a prison or school of some sort and women and men were going in and out of doors in the hall way whispering to each other and always shutting the doors behind them. i didn't know any of them. also i was in the rest room twice in the dream, but didn't use the sinks or toilets, it was like i just was confused of where i was supposed to be since the doors were being shut and i was tired of being in the hallways.

any interpertation of any of the dreams would be greatly appreciated.

paix! <>

no blog since APRIL!?!??!

the times they were a changing.

2011, Octobre, premier.

i have a slight curiosity as i gaze into the bleak grey day. so far, well, there in lies the tale.

if i do total recall to what's happened in 6ish months, i would be amazed by higher power's protection and grace, and a lil ashamed that i was so foolish to lapse into desperate hope for acceptance from toxic people.

if you know me, i hope blessings emerged from my mouth and not curses.
i pray that you saw my smile and knew it was genuine.

love

bibles outline this as the greatest commandment. LOVE the LORD your god. Love your neighbor as yourself.

my whole life i think the main struggle i've had was "how can i love my neighbor if i don't love myself?"

back to the toxic users. it is clear they don't love themselves, but instead of seeking answers, they tend to try to fill their voids with adultery, things, money, and using people.

i think my problem was different. i was so desperate to find how to love and forgive myself, i gave.

isn't that what christianity preaches? "god loves a cheerful giver, give him all you got!"

so it makes sense if i give in the name of the LORD til i have nothing, as long as i do it cheerfully, and can battle against nasty depression and worthless feelings, i 'm "perfect"?

ha.

what a nasty word at times. i might be "fucking perfect" to pink or if i read Paul, the old is gone new has come, therefore be perfect and blameless. there is still the wrestling with love.

i think i shared some of my brushes with charismatic prophetic crowds. and the prophecy over me and the love and prayers of brethren have mended some of the belief that love is unattainable when i'm not god. we as christians have all fallen. we are called not to judge but to be friends and uplift those who are repentent and broken.

if i haven't really shared the prophecies, they have all been positive.
one was that i'm a "prophetess", sharing boldly the word of the lord, the other is more of a daily practice of loving those who have also been broken hearted, and praying to abba for their healing.
it brings me joy to have purpose.
and as far as i know some prophetic/dream interperting teams will be setting up "camp" weekends on essex st in salem.
healers coming as far away a the UK and prophetic/dreamers from all around as far as i know will be available for words of encouragement and life.

Ok i didn't cover the last 6 months, but i learned. and i'm hanging with good girlfriends and guy friends. and if you catch yourself judging or beating yourself up, remember , LOVE cast out fear, and covers a multitude of sins.

be blessed.

PAIX

home-ish

i sit.
listening to the bruins.
on my left smokes my lil sis CR.
to her left, king, and her let, queen.

the kingdom is tuned to the bruins,
who lead 2-1
earlier, waltzing around the willows
a mandatory trip, that included chinese food.

my tattoo is healing.
i'm happy with it
i have a permanent mark
to remember my 30's ( and my nickname)

pugsley & spazzick
sit puggly in the window
barking @ motorcycles
and the occassional keno player

life is what it is
i don't go around pasting smiles
but life is laughable
and that grace, undeniable

april 23

with my family.

so drowsy.

life is good.

and i should,

forget the faet that i want my flirtations to call me!

my tattoo,

is not near a shoe,

joyce is tickled

by the thought

of me working

at pioneer house.

what she don't know

that my boy CJ

admires my renaming,

the house of parinoia

two trailor park girls

go round the outside,

one tells the other

to date a guy

the duke is making

me want to be puking

and all the joy i've been getting

is from my peeps the wiccans

the christians have been "holy"

and i shall be singing

the praises of a risen Lord

for years of conquered hearts minds and souls

PAIX

i sleep between the Wiccans

i sleep betwix the wiccans

for twighlight is drawing near

i sleep between the wiccans

for there i have no fear


i sleep between the wiccans

to escape two trailer park girls

i sleep betwix the wiccans

so i won't get sucker punched


i sleep between the wiccans

for my weary body to be held

i sleep between the wiccans

for my soul is still a light


i sleep between the wiccans

cause i know no other way

i sleep between the wiccans

for salvation is today


PAIX!

3rd tat @ 30

if you know me.
you know i identify with "paix".

it is french for peace...and beyond understanding
god has granted me just that

just for fun GOd added joy.

but i always refer to "paix de crist"

hope

as hope wains for the bruins, hope springs anew for the broken.

my hope is built on NOTHING less than Jesu crist's righteousness.
it is not my righteousness, for i have none. i'm broke& poor, broken, a cracked clay pot.

but

in the jars of broken vessels made of clay. i'm useful.

my heart laughs with GOd.

my smile exudes my joy.

my mind is clear, and let me lend my ear, to the sweet sweet saintly voices of giggling children, jolly adults, singing women, and peaceful sighs.

in times of trouble, he is the bridge.

in times of darkness, he is the light

in times of despair, he is my hope.

and when he calls, here i am.

PAIX!

prophetic palm sunday pub crawl dream?

so, being involved with friends that remember the 90's as adults and not teenagers, i'm frequently invited to remember things like clubs/bars that existed before i could legally drink. Bleachers.
there was an annual memorial pub crawl on saturday the 16th of april that celebrated the family of "bleacher creatures". yes, i needed to go, it was but a year ago that becky showed me the wonders of jello shots and i had my first one!
this year was different. almost better, and if these things get better year by year by the time i'm 40 it will be too spectacular.

so, what does prophetic palm pub crawl dream have to do with anything?

let's just share the dream:

in the dream i was in a two level club/bar where people downstairs were dancing to music. a tall new friend of mine was there. he was about 6'4, and there were models dancing with us. but they were all 5'4 to 5'6.at one point in the dream me and my friend and some models went upstairs.there, the friend started making out and having sex with a japanese model in a blue and white dress. he indicated that he wanted me next, i asked him to use condoms, he said he never used condoms. so i went back downstairs and danced. at the end of the dream i saw him again but we didn't talk.

bleachers was a two floor club.

the game

bruins 2 beers, one burger, 7-0 bruins. see why i wanted to go to the garden to see the b's?

an odd tuesday

as i tune in to the bruins tonight it strikes me that this tuesday has been unseasonably positive. the current score of the game is 2-1 bruins at the end of the 2nd. but another odd thing is i'm not playing trivia tonight. yes i miss it, but if i showed up tonight i would be a lone player in the midst of teams which would kick my ass answerwise and any hope of suceeding without my awesome team mates would be futile.
so, not that i'm a quitter, but i will not show up when the odds are unsurmountable.
also on tv tonight the tittlating ncis and a repeat of glee. both make me happy :-)
too much tv? maybe, but this follows an afternoon movie with roblen. shutter island is such a good movie, no wonder folks rave about martin scorcese. i was very hesitant to watch it, but the other choices were the orphanage or the tooth fairy. neither were my cup of tea. but shutter island moves up my list for acurately depicting mental illness and the struggle for answers.
more hockey happiness...
more peace in my soul...
more joy in my heart...
more jesus

more thoughts

so. today in a lull in the bustling cafeteria, i thought of more stuff.
i need to call my friend in Bridge church northshore. i need to find a better church with less alienation which i caused my self, but i do feel that it was provoked by certain members, both old and new, at the gathering. the last sunday @ the vault felt just as poisoness for me as it had for the 2 years i feel i lost favor, respect and trust. but it felt more magnified than i felt it before.
i've been church shopping, the first weeks i attended a baptist church and was trying to tag along with Tom newman and mary deane for new experiences. that didn't last long.
i also saw 6 baptisms @ grace community church in marblehead.
i miss my charasmatio brethren.
i miss "hearing" or feeling the presence of Abba.
i miss the people who have forgiven me for the bashing blog which i somewhat meant but shouldn't have said.
i miss you.

paix

today is the first day in the rest of your life!

as i sit here, in the living room of apt 2 in salem, ma. i ponder what a silly creature i can be. the bruins are on an i'm here with cheese, thinking of whether or not i want wine(that has been so graciously passed to me by Joyce), and i'm content. i will try not to compare myself to friends because it's superfulous. i have my story, they have theirs. but ain't it cool when they entertwine?
i am agreeing with a friend more and more that online dating is for the birds. i really think that i almost am trying too hard to find someone and not sitting back and appearing disinterested. isn't that how it works? when one is not interested mr(or miss) right wanders into one's life?
(chara is the man)

so, being a silly creature, almost in love with hockey completely, and also being 30 and not happy with the idea of being "content" being single for life and relying on friendships to guide me through bouts of loneliness or flat out wanting human touch(in that way). i wonder if i should make any more effort? maybe working, socializing, and hockey can carry me through til the next jerk(or possibly gentleman) takes me out to a live show or cafe?

i won't hold my breath, but i'll try almost anything at least once.

Change

the only constant in my life is change.
i know in my faith there's the thought that God is constant. and in a way he is, but he enables/causes change. nothing in my life stays the same for more than 5 years...tho i could argue that in my life my mind and general looks are constant, things around me, the general atmosphere i exist in, doesn't stay the same.
i shouldn't be too upset, but i kinda am aching emotionally for a friend that has had a really rough time in the past 5 years. i've known her for 3 of those years, and i don't know what to say to much of her life. Although i am a listener/chatter i don't always, fact rarely, feel i have the right words for comforting her's and mine mind.
facts are facts, sometimes there are no right words, just 2 ears for listening.

change being that i feel i'm going to lose a group of friends once this instigator/ leader takes off. which leads into the process of developing new friendships, and having hope, that friendship will not be lost, with this change.,

reality shows.

i admit.

i am a semi-reality show snob.

(i was going to say whore, but snob fits too)

tonight, i am indulging myself with top chef. i have flirted with top chef seasons and am pumped to see the top chef all stars, chefs from all season, competing for the coveted title of top chef( plus a lot of money, and maybe a car or 2).

other guilty pleasures?

how bout stay in the same genre, Hells Kitchen & Kitchen Nightmares.
Gordon Ramsey made a killa decision to go from football(soccer) to kitchen to reality shows. the latest winner of Hells kitchen, won my heart with her attitude and palate, but i am ashamed to admitt i cannot remember her name. i think it's some sort of "ora"...

i used to be a biggest loser fan. i really tuned in when one of my Dr.'s sons was on it. Neil Tejwani changed his life and lifestyle thanks to Bob & co on Biggest Loser.
once, after the show ended, i saw neil in a mall in Salem, he looked great. and from what i can gather he & his girlfriend( or wife at this point) are very happy and a lot healthier.

now...my guiltiest pleasure is the real world/road rules shtuff. it basically is just beautiful people hooking up, and every now and then they throw in a transgendered.

sigh.

silly me.

back to top chef, and maybe some americas next top model ;-p

gah, here again

listening to Lenka, on pandora radio.

if i stare down this blog long enough some words will magically appear and i will be able to post a blog post which creatively appeared due to the tappity tap of some poorly painted nails, 3 of which have been clipped today to prepare for the time which they will press on Viola's strings. when the nails press on the strings the other hand automatically draws a bow across them.
Currently, for music, i am experimenting with bluegrass. Laura will appear in Mhd tomorrow and we will attempt "angel band" and "golden wings".
but my music never just settles for stellar "o brother where art thou?" music.
Creativity points me to hymns, which meld into fiddling joyfully and actually singing my heart's song to Iesu.

so, there it is, a minorly red wine influenced blog on my musical expirementations on the third floor of Steadmanse.

paix

apology

I cant undo what i did.
i wrote an emotionally charged blog, which expressed negativity i haboured toward a local pastor named phil wyman.
i relize now that it was wrong to slander a clergyman, despite my miffed and very hurt feelings.
i apologize to those who didn't understand why i went so extreme, i was hurt, but i had no right to express my hurt to the world in abusive language.

i know the next step is to apologize to Phil in person, but i'm not there yet.

i will seek the Lord in bringing me to such a repentive state that i'm able to not be angry or despise what the Gathering has become. i also ask for all of your prayers to humble my angry tounge, and seek the forgiveness of someone i find hard to respect.

paix

yep

sometimes i come to blogging, not with an axe to grind, but with honestly not a clue what to write.
first thought that comes to mind is i'm cold.
it has been exceedingly windy and cold which is a nasty turn from the beauty of yesterday.
Daisy the cat above all other humphrey st cats is curled on my blanket.
she musta had a hard day of finding all the quiet sunny spots in chez steadmanse, i wager she didn't find any mice or other critters today.
speaking of other critters i saw a spider out the window of the front room, it was between the storm and the glass, it looked hungery.
today was cool, i got to have delicious indian food with a Beth Pollock. Beth and i have a foundation for building a truly respectable, possibly silly, friendship.
afterwards joyce & i went to see the SSU vikings, dominate the Westifield St hockey team.
long game, esspecially when one is there an hour early.
roll around to 5 pm and i'm @ Steadmanse, chillaxing and immediately upon walking in the door Jiyeun offers me Korean food! YUM.
filled with noddles and red potato, i reach for my macbook, and fool around on fb, then write jibba jabba here,
what worse is you just read it.
one more thing, i'm going to the VFW tonight to do kareoke with friends i miss, and people who are little more than acquaintances, life is good!

wake

I woke today,
an hour later than the tueday.
i let myself,
be
gentle.

Whispering words of life
to
bless
the day ahead

striped stockings, purple chucks
brown dress
gray sweater.
glasses
tie dye bandana

my battle won
grace prevails

love endures

paix

a flirtaciousflauntingalloup ...story o ...well

it 's often good to start a story in Gensis, with element brewing to create a steamy possibly miraculous conception.
Elements. Spirt. and... a enigma of paradox.


NO.

i won't start that way... lets just start what i started in kingdom...a land and belief, ancient & present.

Prince Clyde was being the beststest hommmie to foolish ewon. After exploring the lib tree mall, they decide to continue chillaxin. & so, they went to the "eperate" leases @ 403 Esssex. 01970.As the jester joked with hair dye to create a bluish blac potentially perfect mowhawk.. the creature beast, Suzann'cycopath, started to medle...

Clyde enjoyed Mac& Cheese till the Jester sensing unrest and disrespect from the zangatdragon, confronted her and asked for respect. the battle began.

Clyde as my witness the foolish e! stood as a warrior would.

after clyde left...lizzybee: stunned, tried breathing. collecting her "battle worthy" 'elf she called 911.

cop came.

witnessed abuse.

Jesta went to King & Queeens!

demand les chouinards...et clyde...

matters reveiled that yes, abuse had occured.

to affirm pride and self worth a fool is not happy wit gold, but fun.

meetin respectable gmailers is a key stratagem....

i played up til 5pm, heading wrecklessly and playfully to Steadmanase.

Queen Anne...concerned. did not respect tjhe sojounr jorney norgey fool and demanded stuff.

all silly lizzzy iz thinking is POOP: the great equalizer.

love toujours. le SEULMENT silly steady izenbelle.

ps. jesse is...um... he ..better. ? call me???