dimanche

today is the last Sunday of April.
i have no expectations for today, i've already been to church and taken a nap.
there is a bunch of praying i'll need to do for the week and keeping friends in mind who are applying for jobs or gearing up
for the conference.
yes, GOD: for people who hate church.
i'm looking forward to volunteering and for my brother and au pair friends to come and experience a conference put on by some "brothers and sisters" i've become close to over the past 2 years. i'm greatly encouraged at the thought of my friends from Streams coming down and doing more dream and confessional stuff.
what passes through my thoughts is whether or not i'll get enough rest to blitz through the craziness and have the right servant heart through out. will i see a need and be there to fill it? will the proper amount of people be there? (cause i have a feeling this is going to be huge).
so, goals this week:1. pray and meditate on God, let him reveil himself
2. go back to work and do it well and with a joyful heart
3. communicate with family and friends
4. rest when needed( todays nap was a good start;-)
5. look forward to seeing everyone on May 4-6!

elizabeth!

the choice of a lifetime

things of God confuse me. Most folks get confused about why things happen from time to time. Such as the 39(at the moment) people dead at VT. i'm praying and sad for the loss of so many lives. i'm more grieved at the hate and self loathing that the gunman had to
do such a tragic Columbin-esque shooting.
People sometimes turn to the wrong things for help. there are a lot of start up, state funded, grass root or otherwise counciling for drug addicts, mentally ill, and outcasts in general.
but it comes down to the individual making the decision. CHOICES. the addict will always prefer to be high than deal with their kids, or their responsiblites. it takes strength to choose sobreity. the mentally ill, at least for me, would prefer to ride a mania than be boring and normal (but i relize the best thing is to fight the temptation), or for others it's the escapism into a world that isn't as judgemental, or just makes more sense than the cruel world.
there is hope. A lot of people make the right choices everyday. and choose to love not on their own power but on the basis of the grace that is given from Jesus. others find people to be yoke fellows and find that though it is difficult, there are people who shine for Christ. AA or NA are programs that encourage folks one day at a time to focus on making it through without the drugs.
Have you seen someone shine light in a dark place? i have, it's beautiful.
it has the power to know how to talk someone down from a ledge. to hug someone who otherwise wouldn't be touched.
but what i really want to see, is the beauty of the middle and upper class begin to show. i want those who are so scared to let someone see weakness, show that they have generosity for more than family, cars, and yoga. it's beautiful once these
folks shine! admitting there's a problem is the first step to recovery, and a closer step to the Truth, which i find abundant in the Bible.

not so misrepresented

there are some tv shows that i think kinda get mental illness. one in particular i'll mention quick is friday night lights.
there is a teenager that potrays not only the bipolar illness, but how it affects loved ones really well. it's a show that doesn't necessarily demonize the disease as i have seen it demonized on other shows.

i don't have much else to say, i think i'm crashing after a bit of the mainia. staying up til all hours on saturday does catch up with a person.

e!

misrepresented

well this might become a multi part blog about the misrepresentation and some accurate potrayls of my disorder.
first off, i have a disability.
it's called Bipolar Dissorder.
it is a medical condition which cycles me through depressed states and elated states called manias.

when i'm depressed i tend not to take care of myself, i sleep a lot, eat a lot, and don't feel like doing anything good. all i can dwell on is what a wretched, selfish person i feel like and i want to die. in 2001 i had my first major suicide attempt.
the good side of this is i have been on medication and it has stopped the depression, through therapy i have learned to not give in to any thoughts of self harm and to redirect my thoughts and actions to something i like and something that's not a lie.

when i'm 'manic' i will talk and not be able to pick up on social cues. i will have unlimited enegry and get distracted easily. i will not be able to sleep. sometimes i will be up all night doing things that really don't need to be done, organizing things, typing to strange men on IM, sometimes trying to sleep.

likewise, medications treat this, tho some of them need blood levels and have bad side effects, like acne and over long term use, muscle twitches and arthritis.

so why am i up in arms about the potrayal of someone who coasts inbetween highs and lows?

well i don't like in CSI the fact that one episode was a bipolar teenage woman who smashes her neighboors mailboxes and gets killed by her father to solve the problem of what to do with her. yea i know certain folks who don't want to treat their illness cause pills suck esspecially if you need them for the rest of your life.

the other CSI i'm objectable to is the one where the teacher has a crush on the student and does a suicide/photo/slide projection of her and the dead student. i know there have been cases where a bipolar teacher falls in love w/ a teenager. but that's not always the case with us.

there have been many creative geniuses, Virginia Woolfe, Schumann, and Byron to name a few.

i'll discuss this topic further in future blogs, and maybe delv into the spirtual responses i've had to my illness.

Spring Snow!

i have mixed feelings of joy and frustration with the announcement of snow tonight.
i love snow. winter is more fun with the tossing of a few snowballs, and since we had flowers
blooming in January i think it's almost a twisted

"well you didn't get winter then, so i'll give it to you
when your croques poke up their heads."-love from Canada and the rest of the country

i'm glad today was otherwise beautiful...i just hope things don't flood when the warm weather returns.

went to CBD warehouse sale. that 's a crazy place to be.

WOOHOO! Concerts at the Vault!

tonight there was a Tom Conlin concert, but i was at work, partying down with the ATW crew, a belated St. Patricks day event:). i even got to fiddle a bit for the crowd, it was much appreciated. and the games and dancing and corned beef and cabbage was a hit.

but

back to the point. this Sunday at 6 at the Vault there 's a fundraiser for the Vault which will feature some wonderfully talented musician which include Elijah Wyman, Carl Nysdat, grateful ted, and more! also it is called the phil wyman thing, tho i prefer "Holy Ail"

Mae e yn lawn!(he's alright!)

Pwy ydyn nhw!

rock on in the Salem (peace) town!

has spring attacked yet?

this entry is in honor of my friends with allergys. this includes my sister.
spring can not only be beautiful and temperture wise a great improvement...but when
one turns to their wheezy, watery eyed friend, the light dawns and one realizes,
"hey, maybe not everyone has the same yearning to get muddy and enjoy the peeping out of
various plants..."
now i might excuse the muddy part on folks not relishing the squishyness an "sucction" that i find
facinating cause ...well it's cool.
but it is scary to hear someone who can't seem to get their allergys in check. Of course there is Claritin, and
other antihistimines, but some people complain of side affects?

of course, side affects (not including allergic reactions) are not something i consider to be a deterent...cause if i was
with a nose full or wheezing i would hope my friend would have sense enough to get me to a cvs or dr's to
counteract the unwanted reaction.

in closing...here's to those who struggle against the elements and aren't available for the next muddy expedition!

i raise my eye drops in sault!