Lordship...Sunshine Deathray...and googly eyes

Two weeks in Kentucky = a whole lot to think about!
i will try to break up the 2 weeks into 3 segments which will be the title subjects.

LORDSHIP

my brother mike was intent on getting me in on the "life with guy" night the thursday me and G.G. rolled into town. fact is it was a group of young marrieds plus myself, bro, gg and mikey's roomie dave as the single reps. the dinner went alright, typical topics Christian youngfolk expecting children talk wafted over the table. oh yeah, 5 couples in the church are expecting children. i'm not going to reopen the dinner conversation cause that's not the point, but that is where the name Sunshine Deathray was thrown in. umm lets get to the point...the point where i got really real and was honest about me and Jesus. i think i really said too much, but what's weird is my brother had a clue that the past 5 years of my life have been rather stagnent, which transaltes to the challenge thrown in my face in the "hot seat" the question of " do you declare jesus' lordship over your life?" i thought i made myself very clear in the 1/2 hour questions were being thrown at me i love jesus, and i'm a christian, but it didn't seem good enough for this group of strangers. and i can see why from more reflection on why the hell i've been stuck in my parents house for 20 someodd years, making the same mistakes, going through the same cycles and always not falling/leanin/ seeking the life God surely wants to bless me with. He wants me to let my heart love and get me out of the cycle (hedges) .

anyways...i left that meeting tired and not wanting to ponder the greatness of what happend in that room. not wanting to face that maybe, just maybe, i should tap into the kentucky life my brother has experienced for a bit and increase the hunger after the Lord ember started in me once again.

Ghissela and I spent the rest of my time there talking, walking, watching hulu, and hanging out a bit with mike.

in Lexington, i loved helping my aunt susan out where she needed and listening to her advice. i enjoyed hanging out with my now grown cousins and celebrating Sean's graduation from high school, but what a change since the 15 years that i had last visited them!
tuesday wing night needs to translate up here too....i need to find a wing place and some folks to share wings with!

finally, on the final leg of my journey from Lex to Bos, i noticed something creative on the Riverside green line, googly eyes on a poster, i like googly eyes.

goodbye again?!?! indeed

i'm leaving!

but not for as long as i was gone last time. (yay! no dallas{if that's his real name})
i'm actually taking off tuesday with my future sister in law ghissela. we will be driving down to NJ then across to KY to bring my bro mikey a van and happiness through seeing me and his fiancee! so...what's planned for this trip? definately not another trip to jail(medications will be packed and used). the loose plan for now is to hang with mikey for a bit and see the community he joined...then to stay with my favorite aunt, Susan Stens.i plan to be back around the 1st of June, Ghissa wants me to stay longer but i kinda still need to work on putting my life together here on the northshore. there's nothing easy about not being able to see one of my few friends again til august after i drop her off in her new home, but that's just another thing on my list to change about myself. the friend component, it's not easy not having many people to call on the weekends to just chill with.

so the list: 1. job
2. housing
3. friends
4. dance
eh, that's enough for now

still on the recovery road

well my week or so has included being discharged from a php(partial hospital program), attending an emotional wearing/ spirtually encouraging conference, pulling out vla and using him for worship, and various meetings explaining to me DMH(department of mental health)/Mass Rehab/Goodwill ect.
it was a bit hard hearing from my therapist that i crossed the line from "normal" to needing to be on DMH and seeking state services, but knowing that i haven't fought this fight in vain and getting out of Steadman household territory is a goal that's more reach able in the near future. i know i have to have much more of a fire lit under my ass to fill out applications and such. i need to find out how much i do need to fill out those aps and how much i need to rely on those interviews ect for dmh, goodwill, and mass rehab.
anyways, tomorrow may include a trip to the unemployment office despite all the nice folks i'm meeting.also included in tomorrows mundane adventures, an oil change and filler up o'my dad's truck, a possible filing for section 8 housing, a glance through roommate postings, and the hope to wake up on time and say something worthy of therapy in my therapist session.
peace...i think i'm feeling it a little more :)

must i be my label?

there's an old addage i repeatedly hear in every recovery program i've survived.

you are not your illness.

yet as i recover from another verbal exchange with my mom and since she holds the keys to the place i lay my head i honestly can't tell wether or not she sees me as elizabeth her daughter or bipolar 1.

there's a lot of recovery i'm going through now and as my eyes glance over my last post i relize i have a long way to go.

i'm kinda emotionally feeling some of the pain in bearable incriments of the abuse of not even being told why i was locked up in Ft. Smith, or the fact that Sgt. Dallas abandoned me and i couldn't accept it right away recovering in St. Vincents in Little Rock.

to let people know i wrote the Dallas a final communique just asking for some items to be returned...i fully expect it to be ignored...but it was almost some closure to whatever happend as well. i never want to go back to ft smith...but i will miss some neighbors who were supportive and cool to the native new englander out of her element.

there's a lot of stories to be told about my excersion from Salem, Ma...but right now i'm just thankful to have a bed...clothes...food that i like to eat... and the prospects of reclaiming a functional existance (despite being in NE).

like i said there's still a lot to recover from. but i have a therapist, and thank you Jesus for being back on some medications. i know it's weird to thank Jesus for things like lithium, but just being in an era where the hospital stay at Mclean is now just about a week or so to get stable on chemicals i wake and take or take before sleep, as opposed to the fact it used to take months and scenes like those out of One who Flew over the Cuckoos Nest. i really don't think i need a lombotomy thanks.

stiffled....

well i declare!

that this years resolutions will be....to be myself...and not crack under the strain of two strong minded parent who declare sickness in times of strength(assertion).

that means...i've got to find a place to live...that they are aware i'm safe, but can't come to call everytime they think i need advice!

anyone have sanctuary?

oes i know( i can't make a random cattle call on this blog...)

but i know that i have sisters, who might enjoy chill company, and not mind strange work hours...(sigh)

flightest of the fight spirit has been released.

i have no words to describe having hovering parental units...when all i want is my mission field...

i don't like living here!

if anyone is interested...i'm about to declare my purpose

from notes about myself:

creative
light
beauty
declaration
bold
dancer
reflective
heart
broken
drawn
will of God
sold soul
friend
of anyone
devoted....to one cause

expulsion of the holy spirit...

please, comment my friends, i like encouragement...speaking is weakness, but in it, i am made strong...

through Christ, alone

not much

eh, been explorin creativity once again,

i feel i've opened a sore vein that needed draining

i'm not sick, i've got __--0)(parental problems)

i feel so stifled like a mouse in a wall


one parent says" you're goin to fail"

the other" you're special--but stupid( in a sense that i won't make it...)

please if you read this do not mistake it for a dig against my family, it's a need to be elsewhere...


my spirit says(go) embrace the world(--)

my sensibleness says...aye no, you're stuck in this pit ...but i have useful gifts,

sigh, broken

need to

dance...