hmm...i don't think i'm angry anymore

how do i start after an angry attempt of expression?

let's first say, humanity is people who are real, and real messed up.

"hi my name is elizabeth, and i'm human."

we joke at the Gathering that we have Christians Annonymus on Sunday evening.
i think it's a good way to describe the "debates of theology" that happen between
those who tend to want to know God, are confused about faith, love, peace, grace, and the lot.
but for myself, unless Jesus is showing me scriptures to share, i want to listen.
i get tired of defending myself and just want to feel my extended family around me.
the love of Christ and the realization of Him loving me is at times overwhelming. He's forgiven me, he's forgiven and proved his love(struggle point).should be enough for any "good Christian".

i talked a bit yesterday about how formual "christianity" won't work.what i mean by that is to quip and sum up to say "2/3 a cup a faith and a dash of hope and a lifetime of servitude" is cheap way of summing up how Jesus changes one's life, and how His plan and call for each one of us is so different. It's a blessing that men and women are different, it's a blessing that i'm not like whoever reads this blog and that the struggles i have with my faith is an individual relationship between me and the Saviour of the world!

it's a blessing to be a bit quirky.

it's a blessing to have GOD reveil himself to an individual.

it's awesome to experience a level of grace,love and hope that only comes from one source.

yeah, i got a bit deep in thought there, but i don't intend to achive holiness, i just want a life, and to turn back at it someday and say "WOW! what a rush!"

(sisters:can't live with them, can't live in the same room with out them asking questions, distracting, then leaving in a huff!)

anger

i admit it, i'm an angry person at times.
i've had a lot of stress, 3 back to back sketchy dreams, and i'm dealing with family dynamics i'm not cool with.
i know i'm supposed to be cool with having my whole family around an happy that the 2 biggest stressors are back from a trip, i love them muchly and don't want to dissappoint, but when it's assumed that i'm going to do something i'm not or just don't want to be bothered i need an escape route. and running out the door screaming isn't the right one!
verbally, i'm swift. but i think too often i'm more blunt than gentle. and i get fed up with the way we don't listen to one another and i get defensive, the yelling way we communicate is getting upseting.

maybe i need a retreat area of the house where i'm off limits...hide in the basement or curl up in my room, drown out the business of a family that doesn't grasp the idea that i need a silence in the late afternoon, that i don't need them to tell me what to do, that i belong outside the house than with a family that's too stressful.
now don't get me wrong, they're loving, patient, kind but it is healthy for adult children to live outside the house. NOT that there won't be new stressors, but there will be a healthy seperation and more of a respectful relationship between a room mate as oppose a family one has out grown.

that's more of a vent than an actual conversing blog and i relize this.

just has been on the mind at the moment and don't want to deal with the reality that i have to share space with people who don't get me...or do they?

candles, baths, and mishaps

what your gaze has just floated across is the clean up of what otherwise was the most relaxing point in this day, May 21st, 2007.

the melted remains of what once was a beautiful, decorative(being the keyword) buttterfly candle, and the ball of recovered,scraped-off-tiles wax beside it hammered in one lesson to me.

that lesson being, while relaxing to candlelight baths, keep an eye on the candle!

i guess i was kinda asking for it, the flame on the wick of the lower candles was far more flameworthy than a "normal" candle should ever aspire to blaze to. scraping the wax and holding the ball of it in my hands as it cooled reminded me of old friends from high school that experienced far more scary lapses in judgement.

one girl shared with me and a group of friends that she had just lit some candles and incense when the phone rang. she answered it(this being before cell phones) and started chatting with a boy she'd been flirtting with. when she took the call to her room she freaked to see that the table the candles were on had tipped and there was a fire lapping at her rug. extinguishing it her "boyfriend" talked her through cleaning things up and covering the burned spot with furniture.
i'm sure she let her mom know later, but what really struck me was through this lapse of judgement there was someone on the phone that calmly guided her through the fixing of the problem.

lapses of judgement happen to everyone. makes me hope and believe that there's more out there than "luck" and "chance".
makes me believe in the still small nudging at my heart to do the right thing, this spirit that when i admitted true belief in Jesus, seemed to stick with me, through some pretty stupid things i got myself into.

happy mothers day

well i'll briefly disclose that this was a very busy saturday. i'll also disclose that i have yet to pick up a mothers day present, which i will do after a few more key strokes.
it would be nice if i had a picture of me and my mom to post on this thing. yet she's sorta camera shy. and havin her sit in front of my computuer to take a shot just seems too much of a hassle at the moment.
if any poetry came to mind about how generous and kind and servant focused my mom is, i'd share it, yet due to busy days and nights my creative side was completely depleated with the playing of my new toy, a keyboard/electric piano sorta thing.
my mom and i haven't always gotten along. i'm kinda hard to handle and risk taking, she's sorta bossy and nervous. but things have evened out and i'm so thankful for the qualities that so many others spot right away.
she has a heart for teaching English as a Second Language classes twice a week in Boston. She makes friends with foriegn students at Salem State, which sometimes leads me into some cool international friendships.
my mom loves me, despite the trials i know i put her through, and because of the simple blood ties and watching me grow in the Church, in school , and in the continuing search for a Christ centered purpose. i know not to take my mom for granted, but it took a while to grasp and be thankful for the woman who carried me nine months and is now even letting me live in her house and open it up to friends who are visiting.

ok that's enough! time to run to home depot for the mom day gift! happy mother's day to all moms, and future moms, and grammas for that matter.

e!

relief/bittersweet g'd bye

so. today was my final day at a job i didn't quite fit.
it involved working with a population i easily befriended but struggled with being
an authority figure. so i planned activities, attempted leadership, helped in some capacities, but failed in others.

i will miss the teens i worked with, and the adults were memorable, but when my gifts lie elsewhere it's time to do what i know.

i know how to help the elderly.

i know how to baby sit.

i know how to serve.

with a lot of this figuring out what my gifts are and job sorting- it causes reflection on "why did God put me here?" or "what is my purpose?"

continued practice at telling myself i'm not a faliure, encouraging others comes after first confirming that i'm not any less than the ones i serve, and continuing my playful smirk or out right smile will help.

i thank God everyday for the friends i have, i continually have the desire to grow and be more aware of subtle hints.

Loving God and my neighboor aren't necessarily a problem, being aware of my worth and desire for purpose in fitting with my gifts will be on my personal Jesus chats for a bit.

maybe this is an oppertunity to earn money for going back to school--eeeck---i'm not much of a student.

maybe this is a chance to focus on raising money for Wales...that would be a great thing! maybe i could work on the language thing too...that actually sounds fun to me.

so i'll leave off on the note that it is a bit strange for me to have had to give a up a job(again) and focus on more of what i know. but it makes sense that knowing that God has given me certain gifts as he has with all his creation, knowing limits and exceling in gifts given will be ...a good task. it always makes me wary of books like "Prayer of Jabez", asking God for more is ...scary, but doing what God has placed in front of me sounds like a good enough challenge for me.

wheewwww! what a weekend...

yep! i survived the deep space mission of GOD: for people who hate church.

it went alright, on prof carlos z 's blog and some sinner and saints blogs you can get more of a gist of what happend, play by play even!

i suppose i should share what most impacted me. and narrowing it to one thing would be fairly impossible, but having had drilled into my head that nothing is impossible with Jesus/God/ HS ( let's call it the trinity)...i must highlight a few points.

1) Friday- what i can remember is arriving early and helping with some gopher/ paper/ final collating and such. Streams arrived! which puts a whole bunch more joy-in- the- Spirit to see such close brethren again serve side by side with them. when the speakers started arriving more of the Gather-gang, the lull was ---delightful. the weather cooperated enough...and fellowship and outreach through dream interp and the flip side meeting with friends, looking for needs to fill.

2) Saturday- one word-Conversations. relating with folks some of whom i just met-i found one of the 2 workshops i actually sat still for opened doors to deeper converstations. both with old friends and with new/been part of Gathering before friends. A resignating note highlighten throughout was grace. it's amazing how Christians will rationalize why we judge and bitterly tear apart one another, and falseify "friendships" in order to "convert".
what happend to the old hymn " and they will know we are Christians by our LOVE????"

Jay Bakker highlighted how his family was torn apart because of unforgiving, judgemental people who in a vigorous manor managed to destroy a family's way of life and ministry in 24 hours. Jokes about the faliure of a man in power caught in sin rang in his ears. Even today after finding Jesus and putting trust in him, the man has a platter full of situations that make people crack. From his mother's cancer to his friends ailments and death of friends, how does the "light" shine in this darkness?

through the love shone by brothers and sisters. whether they be Christian or not, having someone that's there as a constant, tangible, call-in - the - middle-of-the-night friend makes worlds of difference.


3) wrap up Sunday- the service was -UNIQUE. in a really good way. from the druming circle to the hugs, the offering to the cacophuny of sounds, dancing, inviting the spirit to wash over each of us, scriputure quoted to debunk the conversations of "plastic jesus" .
'Don't put jesus in a box'
'{ Job 42}'

Tony Jones, den leader of cub scouts, PTA member, Minnesota native, and finally main dude to associate "Emergent" with:said one thing that stuck with me. "If you want to be a part of the e. church, be prepared to have idols shattered. Be prepared to be challenged to have Jesus fully God of your life. And shatter my idols as well."

yes there's a lot more ...my brother meeting my friends, making friends with folks all across the country....i could go on..but won't.
i'll just end with one of my favourite verses:

"His Grace is Suffiecent for thee, for His power is made perfect in weakness."